my niece posted this about her relationship! I thought was just beautiful!!!
AND I get to kiss him at midnight tomorrow night!!!
Lifelong commitment is not what everyone thinks it is. It's not waking up early every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed together until both of you peacefully fall asleep. It's not a clean home and a homemade meal every day.
It's someone who steals all the covers. It's sometimes slammed doors, and a few harsh words, disagreeing, and the silent treatment until your hearts heal. Then...forgiveness!
It's coming home to the same person everyday that you know loves and cares about you, in spite of and because of who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds without finger pointing. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life! It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud.
It's about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at 10 p.m. to eat because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown, and your love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay, and you believe them. It's when "HBO and chill" literally means you watch HBO and hang out. It's about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane.
Living with the person you love is not perfect, and sometimes it's hard, but it's amazing and comforting and one of the best things you'll ever experience.
Go ahead and share a picture of the person you love and copy and paste this, make their day.
I read it and agreed and ask, well whats wrong with me to where I don't appreciate my relationship! I thought hard and I said the difference is I'm not in love with my husband, I love him but not in love! My heart has been scared by his words to where I don't feel anything he say or allow anything he do touch my heart anymore!! He tries and that's good but I don't feel the affects anymore!!! 😕😕😕
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
So every now and again hubby and I talk about how we should not be together because we are so so different! Talking, talking, talking then he says "He doesn't believe in destiny but that I was destined to be a "hood rat"! WHAT!! 😱😱😱 those words just echo in my head!!! I can't do this!!! No one should insult you, especially your spouse!! And I use that word loosely! He is just someone I live with as far as I am concerned!!!
Monday, December 26, 2016
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Friday, December 23, 2016
I have so many things running thru my mind! I have a plan on how I want to execute my exit! But of course I need money! Which I'm working on! I recently became a notary and registered my name! I looked into it and Signing Agents are very popular in the notary game! They make good good money!! So that's my ultimate goal work wise!
Also, I need my own car and an apartment!! That might be challenging but will get done! $400 will definitely need to start divorce proceedings! As much as I try to rationalize and be reasons about this marriage I can't see myself staying! There is so much I just don't want to overlook and I shouldn't! Being imperfect is one thing but living with someone who, in my opinion, mentally and emotionally takes advantage of you is just too much to bear! Yes communication is great and telling each other how you feel about things is wonderful! But when the love is gone and you look at them with disgust and regret and you get no fulfillment from sex anymore! Have to think of other people just to climax, I think it's time to move on!! Regardless of the pain to come!
I don't want anyone looking over my shoulder every time I move! I hate whiny people, we all do it from time to time but come on pull up your britches! Or everything that comes out of your mouth is a complaint! Oh, I have a good one for you! How about starting an argument as soon as I walk thru the door OR while I'm mid-sleep! Yes, so I was turning over on my other side, he said love or good night and I said the same then he accuses me of calling him someone else's name!!! 😱😱😱 then says how do I know I didn't call him someone else's name! Boy bye!! It's definitely time to go!! No hugs, kisses, do you want a cup of coffee, breakfast!!! Argue why I'm only eating once a day... When something is wrong, respond with "What's wrong NOW!!" What are you serious! And this is suppose to be my LIFE LONG partner! Nah I'm good! Nothing's wrong!
I'm trying not to concern myself with finding someone else!! It comes up of course but I need to be with me! If I happen to stumble upon someone suitable for me great!! Until then trying to enjoy the great moments I have and work on creating more! My moments alone are my best! Peaceful! And yes I still have my imaginary friend riding in the car with me when I play my music! Smh! it works for me! I sing and smile🤗🤗🤗🤗!
What the future holds I don't know!!! I just know I gotta get moving or nothing will change!! I have to bite the bullet and let it burn!!!
Saturday, October 22, 2016
So I've gotten a Capital One credit card to repair my credit! I've been making payments on time except this last time! That's fine, got a message from them saying they will raise my credit limit if I make my next payment on time! 🤗🤗🙋🏾🎉🎉👍🏾 Great!!!
I haven't told hubby yet, why becaus he is going to want to use it up! On what mostly probably alcohol!! 🍷🍷🍷😫😫 not on my dime!! Get your own CC!
He takes takes takes, and I'm tired of it
If I wanted to rent a hotel!motel room I can. Rent a car, I can! Or anything else I can! Unfortunate there's a since of honesty that sits in me, I hate it!! 😡😡😡 but I need some back up money just for me! Just for me!!! 💳💳💳💳
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
What is my ideal relationship! Besides the obvious..honesty, love, trust, and there have to be AWESOME love making...I'm the Queen at that!! 😉😍😘 #ijs #provenrecord
Anywho, want someone who gives me what I need and cater to my wants! Don't belittle my feelings into thinking I am crazy or asking for too much!!
I want to go out to breakfast, lunch and dinner every once in a while🍕🍝🍸🍵🍾
•go dancing, 💃🏽💃🏽 see a concert, enjoy nature🐞🐝🐠🌺🌹🌸
•try a new hobby, meet some new people
•just sit and be silent🙊🙊
•lay on your chest and have a goofy conversation 😝😝😝🤓🤓😜😜
•have a serious conversation about our goals and make sure we do our best to push each other to reach them! 👌🏾👌🏾👍🏾
•feel that special touch that says "I Love you!"🌹❤️
•Snuggle, I love to snuggle!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗
•Surprise me every one in a while🎁🎁🎁
I don't think I am hard to love, just haven't found the right person who meets my qualifications!!
Monday, October 17, 2016
As I sit at think about how I feel...I feel like a fool-why??
•Allowing myself to be disrespected
•Not taking the steps to try to change my financial situation
•Holding on to a fantasy
•Not caring enough to take care of myself
I'm to the point of giving up on everything !!...yeah again!!!
I told my husband I wish I didn't have feelings, that way I wouldn't hurt or disrespect anyone or feel such things, he says if I didn't have any feelings then no one would get to love me, I wouldn't be what makes me me! I guess!
Patience and endurance right??!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Mmmmm where do I start? 🤔 So between last week and today a lot has gone on! Two major arguments in one day!! One was during sex, who does that? Anywho, yesterday I made a comment leaving him feeling as though the emptiness in my life is his fault! "I don't feel fulfilled in this marriage!"
Him: "Why do I have to share in your crummy music! (My slow jams) Why can't you find someone else to do it or enjoy it by yourself (which I do). If you wanna go to a concert, why do I have to go?"
Me: "Because you are my husband!"
Was I wrong! 🤔🤔
I try to give respect where respect is due! Try not to neglect anyone or hurt their feelings! But mine are hurt!! That's life right?
I don't put on my "Big Girl Draws" on very much but lately I have and this is what I get! Honesty...humph.
So the night goes on and the advice he gave was to "live". Do what makes me happy but "Do Something!" Don't just sit here doing nothing! 🤔
I think I am trying to find happiness in others instead of looking within myself OR do I just want to share what makes me happy with others!! 🤗🤗🤗
I don't think I am hard person to please!! I don't care for rejection but it happens and I have to deal with it and move on!! That's a work in process! But when rejection comes from your spouse-that's like a brick being thrown in your face! 😖😖😖
Having something in common means SO MUCH to me! 🌹🌹❤️👍🏾 I love to feel a connection with those I meet! Something that makes me feel or say "I wanna see....or look forward to seeing....!" Ya feel me! Lol
Maybe I have to learn to do things on my own and meet those who want to participate along the way!! But where do I start?....somewhere right?! 🤔🙋🏾😕
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Need to slow my role! Thinking too much and too hard!!! Trying to keep things friendly!!
Finding it difficult:
To behave!!! Until I get the official go ahead...I remember I have boundaries to abide by!!! 😫😫😫😫😫
Monday, September 26, 2016
So I was suppose to go out to lunch with an old colleague but it fell thru which is fine!!! But I told hubby, about it and what did he ask me...yup.."am I gonna get that!"😡😡😡 what the hell!! What have I created!! I tell him no! So the conversation went on and on about why not!!
Something just don't smell right...why is he so adamant about me doing someone else. He says because it's nothing else to do!!!! I'm thinking it's because he has cheated and wants me to have sex with someone just to tell me he already did and clear his conscious!! That's what my gut is telling me!!
Am I creating something that doesn't exist??🤔🤔🤔
Tired of feeling stupid!!!😡😡😡😞😞
Sunday, September 25, 2016
So...hubby is gone taking care of family business won't be back until Wednesday! Great...what now!!!
Sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I'm still not happy, not that I want him here. I get a little breather from all the complaining he does!
But in the meantime what EXACTLY am I looking for....
I've been told I'm going thru midlife crisis. Possible! Nothing brings me joy anymore! Signs of depression, midlife crisis & menopause!!! 🤔🤔🤔
So what advice hubby gives:"Go and f**k if you want if it makes you happy!" Great advice Hun!! 😡😡😡 Also says I don't need to see a psychiatrist....mmmm I beg to differ!! Need to speak to someone who's neutral on the subject!!
Too depressed to even make money online...which is easy peasy!! Just laying here looking at all this information people would pay to have to improve their business!
Watching/listening to everyone live their lives! 😔 No one can change it but me...so the saying goes! Think I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep!! 😭😭😭
Yup!!!! That's my day so far!!! 😞😞😞
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Note: Mr. Heart has something it wants to say to you! Not intended to offend or disrespect!!
Read at your own Risk!!!
I met you a year and a half ago and I fell for you instantly! Because of the nature of our professional relationship, I didn't want to say much! But at some point I had to speak! I told you how I felt and you did the same! The feelings weren't mutual and respectfully so, I stepped back and kept silent....for the most part!
Now here I am...thankfully still in your life! 🤗🤗🤗🤗 My feelings for you haven't changed as a matter of fact I can say they are stronger! 🏋🏾🏋🏾🏋🏾 But I still respect your position on the matter, therefore I keep silent 🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊 and try not to come on too strong! It's hard sometimes. But it is what it is!!
I have some partners in crime who has something to say to you! Let me first introduce Brain!! He's a thoughtful soul, I think you would like him!!🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Hi how are you? There's not a moment you're not with me: from sun up to sun down! So, what's on my mind..
• Taking you to the beach and watch the sunset/sunrise☀️
• Just sit a listen 👂🏾to you talk about your goals and help you make/keep a list 📝
• Taking a ride on the highway late at night! 🚗
• I wanna learn how to ride a motorcycle just so you can ride again!!! 🏍
• Travelling with you! ✈️🛳🚅🚀🇭🇺🇬🇷🇮🇷🇯🇪🇳🇺🇳🇴🇵🇸🇹🇰🇺🇬🇻🇮🇬🇧🇿🇼
And much more!
Note: Sometimes me and Heart are not on the same page but we always try to think and make sure it is safe before our other partner in crime gets involved- may I introduce Mrs. Lips👄!
Mmmm...what can I say?? You're a beautiful woman, an intelligent woman! That's what Heart loves about you!! ❤️❤️❤️
You're a go getter, determined, strong! At the same time you're gentle, kind, sensitive, considerate! I have only touched your cheek but would like to touch more!
As usual, you call the shots, you're in control! I think I have said enough! Time to introduce-the Silkster...Mr. Hands!!!!
Good day, I hope what you have heard so far is agreeable with you! 👍👍👍
Because now it's time to make you feel good! How you may ask! Well, I would use my hands to caress your beautiful hair and face. In addition I would use them to oil your back after a shower and massage your shoulders and any where else that needs relaxing. But mostly I would love to just hold you...only if you let me! Hope I wasn't too pushy! Take care of yourself Ms. Lady!! Now last but not least....DaEyez👁
Hi, I've been waiting to see you!! My partners in crime don't know how to act when you come into my range of sight!
Heart get flutters
Hands can't stay still
Lips get bent out of shape
Brain starts bouncing off the wall
And I get flooded with water...💧why...because we believe you are an amazing person inside and out.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to our petition.... Now it's time to return to our cells until further notice!
This petition was not intended to offend in any way, shape or form! You have been good to me in all aspects and it's appreciated! I don't want to lose that at any cost!!!
Friday, September 23, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Yes I am wondering if opportunity is presenting itself for me to get out this marriage!!
I have been asking, wondering how I can get out of a marriage I am just going thru the motions with!
Every touch, kiss, intimate moment I dispise because I don't want it with him! Yes marriage is sacred and I do my best to respect the arrangement despite my feelings for this one!
So the convo comes up again..."So what do you want to do...get in the game (see other people)...or...stay with our religion? I need an answer!"
I sit and think, I'm not happy in this marriage...if I "get in the game"...disassociate myself from the religion.....get a divorce...then come back without him!!" That was my plan!!!
Sleeping around is not my thing! Been there done that! Not fulfilling!! Left me feeling empty!! Not a good feeling!!
Questions I'm asking myself:
Is that a good plan?
How will kids feel; although I don't think they really care!
Will I really come back?
What's gonna happen in the middle of all of this?
Will I find someone in the meantime???🤔🤔
I just really want to be happy! He doesn't make me happy!! It's just negative energy which is very draining! Most days I don't want to get out of bed, or I just lay on bed all day until it's time to do something!! Contemplating between Suicide or divorce! Yeah...that again!!!
There have been times where I would take a sleeping pill just so I would be sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night!! NO ONE should have to do that!! Getting married is my ONLY regret in life!!!!
Time to be a big girl!!! I hate being a grownup!! 😫😫😫😫 I have to go thru the pain to get to the victory of happiness!
Maybe it's a chance for a new beginning...something I have been wanting!!! But is this the answer!!!
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Friday, September 16, 2016
What way is that....that way when you want to just crawl up under someone and just lay there! They will give you that TLC that you need so badly!!!!
Feel like being babied right now!!!! 😫😫😫😫😫
Yes, I have a husband but it won't be the same!!!! I feel no connection with him!!! Don't know if I ever will! Just going thru the motions of being married!!! 😕😕😕😕
Trying to fill this empty space! Trying to learn to comfort myself! I need to get away again!!
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
There are times where I have moments when I don't know what's wrong with me! I go thru all the possibilities and come up with nothing specific! Maybe it's everything, maybe it's nothing!
Do I suffer from general anxiety? Who knows! What I do know is I'm not happy! Almost in a constant state of sadness ☹️☹️☹️ and irritation! 😡😡
Friday, September 9, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
What do I miss so much....
The passionate kissing 👄👄
The love making
The excitement of seeing the one your in love with 👀👀
The skin to skin cuddling
Sitting and saying nothing while listening to music🎼🎼🎼
Seeing love in the person's eyes😍😍😍
Saying "I love you" and really meaning it
Rubbing my fingers through their hair (or dreads in this case) lol
Fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with them!!!!!
But now it's all a memory!!!! DAYUM!!!!
Saturday, August 27, 2016
I named this blog this is for one reason only!!! Because that's what I believe in my heart wholeheartedly that's what it is...why????
Today as alway, running around as usual! Taking everyone to work, running errands, blah blah blah! The "norm"
To keep myself from going too too crazy about my feelings, I knit! It keeps me somewhat calm except I overthink and get super emotional and want to cry!
So today after dropping my son off work, I get home and realize my husband has been drinking again! How do I know, his mannerism is different, the things he say and the way he says it is different! The frustration and disappointment begins!
When he gets like this I would rather not be there until it wears off!!
So he says what he always says! Why don't you go get some.... Yup...he's talking about that!
He knows I want it and at the same time NEED it! But me trying to stay away as much as possible...so far so good! I ignore him as usual but agree to shut him up! He says he wants me to get out the house, tired of seeing me knit all the time! Go have some fun!!!
Yeah right!!!! What fun!!
Anyway....so I leave...asks a couple of my girlfriends what are they doing! One responded back that she (happened to be my ex-girlfriend) was in pain because she had hand surgery last week! She is there alone!!! Thoughts start running thru my mind, not good ones!!!
I'm still frustrated now....thinking about how I've been feeling about my marriage and how I have so disappointed with it! But trying to honor and respect it as much as possible!
Today, I felt like I was at my breaking point... So after Shoprite and the beauty supply store, I was headed over to Bloomfield to get hubby some food but that also where "she" lives at the moment! My thought was to stop by.....😈😈😈😈
But at that moment (at the light where I could go straight to Bloomfield or turn back towards my house) my daughter texted and said she was ready to go to the Congregational Picnic in Livingston!!! In my heart of hearts I believe that it was my Jehovah God telling to "No" you need to be around the friends! "Spiritual Friends"
So I got my daughter and went to the picnic!! 👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
There have been other instances where "no" was the answer!
He knows how frustrated and disappointed I am with my marriage but I believe He is telling me this is not the way to handle it!!!
I made up a saying,"Rejection is protection!" And so far that has been the case!!!
I am trying to endure-it's not easy especially when you live with the person!!! So I knit, endure and talk to my God to sustain me! Every now and again I cry!! Something gotta give!!!
I think that's all, if not I'll post more
Thank you for listening!!!! It's always appreciated
Friday, August 26, 2016
Is there a such thing as caring too much for someone! I was told I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I care/love I do it hard! And I guess the person knows it!!
At this time in my life I feel like I am caring for the right person but at the wrong time!!
Sometimes I sit and cry because of how much I care!! Why because I can't go any further with these feelings! I find myself going off into places I shouldn't and say why am I doing this to myself!!! Get over it and move on- everyone has!!! But I can't or don't know how!
My life isn't terrible but it's not ideal for ME! I want it to be MY LIFE and it's not! Other people are involved!!! ...and part of their feelings are in my hands!!
If I would have only met you 7 years ago!!! But no need in thinking about the past!!!
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Monday, August 22, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Saturday, July 23, 2016
I am a place in my life where I am don't want to be...yes here we go again!!!!
How do I move forward..from what?
Well, let's see! Although my body is home, I am emotionally and mentally elsewhere all the time! A place where I rather be but there have not been an invite!
Compatibility is such a key to success in a relationship without it I don't think you can really thrive! I think it would always be a situation where you are always tolerating each other with little if any enjoyment! I don't want to tolerate anyone I want to fully enjoy them, then and only then can you FULLY give yourself to them!
Two Saturday's ago, I "ran away" yes I am grown and I ran away from home! Just felt tired!!! And although I came back, where else would I go right!!! I still feel like I don't want to be here!
When I talk, touch, kiss someone I want that tingly feeling you get, those butterflies, that feeling of I can't wait to see you! I don't have that!!! What happened? Where did it go, or did I ever have that!!! I'm gonna go crazy or crazier if I don't get that! I've never felt so empty in my life!!! What is it gonna take???