Saturday, December 31, 2016

Just beautiful

my niece posted this about her relationship! I thought was just beautiful!!!

AND I get to kiss him at midnight tomorrow night!!!
Lifelong commitment is not what everyone thinks it is. It's not waking up early every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed together until both of you peacefully fall asleep. It's not a clean home and a homemade meal every day.
It's someone who steals all the covers. It's sometimes slammed doors, and a few harsh words, disagreeing, and the silent treatment until your hearts heal. Then...forgiveness!
It's coming home to the same person everyday that you know loves and cares about you, in spite of and because of who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds without finger pointing. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life! It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud.
It's about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at 10 p.m. to eat because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown, and your love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay, and you believe them. It's when "HBO and chill" literally means you watch HBO and hang out. It's about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane.
Living with the person you love is not perfect, and sometimes it's hard, but it's amazing and comforting and one of the best things you'll ever experience.
Go ahead and share a picture of the person you love and copy and paste this, make their day.
-----------------

I read it and agreed and ask, well whats wrong with me to where I don't appreciate my relationship! I thought hard and I said the difference is I'm not in love with my husband, I love him but not in love! My heart has been scared by his words to where I don't feel anything he say or allow anything he do touch my heart anymore!! He tries and that's good but I don't feel the affects anymore!!! ๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

How should one feel

So every now and again hubby and I talk about how we should not be together because we are so so different! Talking, talking, talking then he says "He doesn't believe in destiny but that I was destined to be a "hood rat"! WHAT!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ those words just echo in my head!!! I can't do this!!! No one should insult you, especially your spouse!! And I use that word loosely! He is just someone I live with as far as I am concerned!!!

Monday, December 26, 2016

Feeling Devilish

Ha, so just sitting and thinking I should contact hubby's ex-girlfriend and tell her to come get him! She's been DYING to marry him! Should tell her here's her chance!!! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

Saturday, December 24, 2016

I wish!!!!

"It Would Be You"

Listen. Pinch me if I'm dreaming
As a matter of fact, I take that back
Let me lay there... inside of your love
Listening to your heartbeat
Girl ain't no feeling better than feeling on your body
Girl don't you move a muscle, I just wanna touch ya
If you ever took your love away
I can truly say I'd die right here today
Don't give me the world... I just want my girl

[Chorus: x2]
If I could have anything, I'd put it on everything
That it would be you you you you
I just want you u u

You are my love and my love for you girl
Is all that I need if I had nothing more
Than our love, I'd be just fine with our love
Your shoes can't be filled they cannot wear your heel
The truth is in you girl there's nothing else real than our love
I'll be just fine with our love
Woman if you ever took your love away
I could truly say I'd die right here today
Don't give me the world, I just want my girl

[Chorus: x2]
If I could have anything, I'd put it on everything
That it would be you you you you
I just want you u u

Now what would I do, where would I be?
If there was no you, there'd be no meeee
Now think about that girl
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh yeah
What would I do where would I be
If there was no you there would be no me
Now think about that girl think think think

Going thru changes

LEDISI LYRICS


Music

Goon' Thru Changes"

Ooohhh yyeaaah aaww baby yeeeaa
I wish that I could stay, but staying here confuses me more
So I'll go cause there someone else who cares for me like you do
You are my friend and I don't wanna cross the line It's so easy to make you mine
I keep you pushing you away cause you give me what I miss at home

I'm goin' thru changes and how do I let you go... (let you go)
My mind is goin' thru changes... (going thru some changes) yeaa yeaa
And I can't let you go

Please don't touch me there temptation wants to rule me
I can't do what my body is calling out for I'm so confused
You know what I like and you wanna give me all of you
And I think about it too but I keep goin' thru these changes
Cause there's so much that I miss at home

I'm goin' thru changes how do I let you go... (I gotta get it together)
My mind is goin' thru changes And I can't let you

Aaaaaa I know what you want, I know what you want
Everything about us will change... gonna chnage
Everything I feel says here with you... I wanna stay here with you
I don't really know what to do... I don't know what to do
I can't get nothing at home... nothing
Every time I think about it I'm so confused... so confused

I'm goin' thru some changes...
I'm goin' thru changes how do I let you go
My mind is goin' thru changes (some changes) And I can't let you

[x2:]
I'm goin' thru changes(don't know what to do... don't know) how do I let you go
My mind is goin' thru changes (goin' thru some changes) And I can't let you

I'm goin' thru changes...

Under Different circumstances

If my circumstances were different...would you marry me?

Friday, December 23, 2016

whats on my mind

I have so many things running thru my mind! I have a plan on how I want to execute my exit! But of course I need money! Which I'm working on! I recently became a notary and registered my name! I looked into it and Signing Agents are very popular in the notary game! They make good good money!! So that's my ultimate goal work wise!

Also, I need my own car and an apartment!! That might be challenging but will get done! $400 will definitely need to start divorce proceedings! As much as I try to rationalize and be reasons about this marriage I can't see myself staying! There is so much I just don't want to overlook and I shouldn't! Being imperfect is one thing but living with someone who, in my opinion, mentally and emotionally takes advantage of you is just too much to bear! Yes communication is great and telling each other how you feel about things is wonderful! But when the love is gone and you look at them with disgust and regret and you get no fulfillment from sex anymore! Have to think of other people just to climax, I think it's time to move on!! Regardless of the pain to come! 

I don't want anyone looking over my shoulder every time I move! I hate whiny people, we all do it from time to time but come on pull up your britches! Or everything that comes out of your mouth is a complaint! Oh, I have a good one for you! How about starting an argument as soon as I walk thru the door OR while I'm mid-sleep! Yes, so I was turning over on my other side, he said love or good night and I said the same then he accuses me of calling him someone else's name!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ then says how do I know I didn't call him someone else's name! Boy bye!! It's definitely time to go!! No hugs, kisses, do you want a cup of coffee, breakfast!!! Argue why I'm only eating once a day... When something is wrong, respond with "What's wrong NOW!!" What are you serious! And this is suppose to be my LIFE LONG partner! Nah I'm good! Nothing's wrong! 

I'm trying not to concern myself with finding someone else!! It comes up of course but I need to be with me! If I happen to stumble upon someone suitable for me great!! Until then trying to enjoy the great moments I have and work on creating more! My moments alone are my best! Peaceful! And yes I still have my imaginary friend riding in the car with me when I play my music! Smh! it works for me! I sing and smile๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—! 
What the future holds I don't know!!! I just know I gotta get moving or nothing will change!! I have to bite the bullet and let it burn!!! 

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Need to stay focused

My goal is to get out of this marriage! I have to stay focused on why I want to get out!! There are times when the days are good, conversationally but when night falls I don't wanna be there and then I remember why!! 

STAY FOCUSED!!!!

Have a chance

So I've gotten a Capital One credit card to repair my credit! I've been making payments on time except this last time! That's fine, got a message from them saying they will raise my credit limit if I make my next payment on time! ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿพ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿพ Great!!! 
I haven't told hubby yet, why becaus he is going to want to use it up! On what mostly probably alcohol!! ๐Ÿท๐Ÿท๐Ÿท๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ not on my dime!! Get your own CC! 

He takes takes takes, and I'm tired of it 

If I wanted to rent a hotel!motel room I can. Rent a car, I can! Or anything else I can! Unfortunate there's a since of honesty that sits in me, I hate it!! ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก but I need some back up money just for me! Just for me!!! ๐Ÿ’ณ๐Ÿ’ณ๐Ÿ’ณ๐Ÿ’ณ

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

My ideal relationship

What is my ideal relationship! Besides the obvious..honesty, love, trust, and there have to be AWESOME love making...I'm the Queen at that!! ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜ #ijs #provenrecord

Anywho, want someone who gives me what I need and cater to my wants! Don't belittle my feelings into thinking I am crazy or asking for too much!! 

I want to go out to breakfast, lunch and dinner every once in a while๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ๐Ÿธ๐Ÿต๐Ÿพ
•go dancing, ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ see a concert, enjoy nature๐Ÿž๐Ÿ๐Ÿ ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒธ
•try a new hobby, meet some new people
•just sit and be silent๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š
•lay on your chest and have a goofy conversation ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค“๐Ÿค“๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ
•have a serious conversation about our goals and make sure we do our best to push each other to reach them! ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿพ
•feel that special touch that says "I Love you!"๐ŸŒน❤️
•Snuggle, I love to snuggle!! ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—
•Surprise me every one in a while๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ

I don't think I am hard to love, just haven't found the right person who meets my qualifications!!
#onthehunt

Monday, October 17, 2016

I wanna be loved....


ERIC BENET LYRICS

Play "I Wanna Be Loved"
on Apple Music
"I Wanna Be Loved"

Love once left me cold and gray
I had almost reached heaven
Just to feel it slip away
But life's too short to waste away
Being scared to take chances
Or so I've heard wise men say

I wanna be loved
Faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take it's chances, just to be loved by you

Taste, touch, hear, see, feel me now girl
And you'll know I'm so ready
To exchange lifelong vows, yes I am
'Cause now you've shown me how God has smiled
On this chance and this moment
For this I've prayed all my life

I wanna be loved
Faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you girl
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take its chances, just to be loved by you

I wanna feel there's a reason for living again
I want us to fly far away
And I want my heart to sing the words only you can understand
So put your hand in mine, say a prayer tonight
So that we may find love

I wanna be loved
I want to be faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you baby
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take its chances, just to be loved by you

I want to be loved
Faithful and true
I want to be loved
Ten billion lifetimes, ten zillion, ten trillion lifetimes baby
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take a chance just to be loved by you
I'll let my heart take a chance just to be loved by you




Thanks to deno for adding these lyrics.

Feel like a fool....

As I sit at think about how I feel...I feel like a fool-why??

•Allowing myself to be disrespected 
•Not taking the steps to try to change my financial situation
•Holding on to a fantasy 
•Not caring enough to take care of myself 

I'm to the point of giving up on everything !!...yeah again!!! 

I told my husband I wish I didn't have feelings, that way I wouldn't hurt or disrespect anyone or feel such things, he says if I didn't have any feelings then no one would get to love me, I wouldn't be what makes me me! I guess! 

Patience and endurance right??! 

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Where Do I Start

Mmmmm where do I start? ๐Ÿค” So between last week and today a lot has gone on! Two major arguments in one day!! One was during sex, who does that? Anywho, yesterday I made a comment leaving him feeling as though the emptiness in my life is his fault! "I don't feel fulfilled in this marriage!"

Him: "Why do I have to share in your crummy music! (My slow jams) Why can't you find someone else to do it or enjoy it by yourself (which I do). If you wanna go to a concert, why do I have to go?"

Me: "Because you are my husband!" 

Was I wrong! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” 

I try to give respect where respect is due! Try not to neglect anyone or hurt their feelings! But mine are hurt!! That's life right? 

I don't put on my "Big Girl Draws" on very much but lately I have and this is what I get! Honesty...humph. 

So the night goes on and the advice he gave was to "live". Do what makes me happy but "Do Something!" Don't just sit here doing nothing! ๐Ÿค” 

I think I am trying to find happiness in others instead of looking within myself OR do I just want to share what makes me happy with others!! ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค— 

I don't think I am hard person to please!! I don't care for rejection but it happens and I have to deal with it and move on!! That's a work in process! But when rejection comes from your spouse-that's like a brick being thrown in your face! ๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜– 

Having something in common means SO MUCH to me! ๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน❤️๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿพ I love to feel a connection with those I meet! Something that makes me feel or say "I wanna see....or look forward to seeing....!" Ya feel me! Lol 

Maybe I have to learn to do things on my own and meet those who want to participate along the way!! But where do I start?....somewhere right?! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ˜•

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Thinking too much....as always

Need to slow my role! Thinking too much and too hard!!! Trying to keep things friendly!! 

Finding it difficult:
To behave!!! Until I get the official go ahead...I remember I have boundaries to abide by!!! ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ 

#Wanttomisbehavewithyou

Monday, September 26, 2016

Something Stinks

So I was suppose to go out to lunch with an old colleague but it fell thru which is fine!!! But I told hubby, about it and what did he ask me...yup.."am I gonna get that!"๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก what the hell!! What have I created!! I tell him no! So the conversation went on and on about why not!! 

Something just don't smell right...why is he so adamant about me doing someone else. He says because it's nothing else to do!!!! I'm thinking it's because he has cheated and wants me to have sex with someone just to tell me he already did and clear his conscious!! That's what my gut is telling me!! 

Am I creating something that doesn't exist??๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”

Tired of feeling stupid!!!๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž

Sunday, September 25, 2016

WTH

So...hubby is gone taking care of family business won't be back until Wednesday!  Great...what now!!! 

Sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I'm still not happy, not that I want him here. I get a little breather from all the complaining he does! 

But in the meantime what EXACTLY am I looking for.... 
I've been told I'm going thru midlife crisis. Possible! Nothing brings me joy anymore! Signs of depression, midlife crisis & menopause!!! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”
So what advice hubby gives:"Go and f**k if you want if it makes you happy!" Great advice Hun!! ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก Also says I don't need to see a psychiatrist....mmmm I beg to differ!! Need to speak to someone who's neutral on the subject!! 

Too depressed to even make money online...which is easy peasy!! Just laying here looking at all this information people would pay to have to improve their business! 

Watching/listening to everyone live their lives! ๐Ÿ˜” No one can change it but me...so the saying goes! Think I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep!! ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ

Yup!!!! That's my day so far!!! ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž


Saturday, September 24, 2016

My Heart is up for parole

Note: Mr. Heart has something it wants to say to you! Not intended to offend or disrespect!!
Read at your own Risk!!! 
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️


Heart: 

I met you a year and a half ago and I fell for you instantly! Because of the nature of our professional relationship, I didn't want to say much! But at some point I had to speak! I told you how I felt and you did the same! The feelings weren't mutual and respectfully so, I stepped back and kept silent....for the most part! 

Now here I am...thankfully still in your life! ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค— My feelings for you haven't changed as a matter of fact I can say they are stronger! ๐Ÿ‹๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‹๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‹๐Ÿพ But I still respect your position on the matter, therefore I keep silent ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š and try not to come on too strong! It's hard sometimes. But it is what it is!! 

I have some partners in crime who has something to say to you! Let me first introduce Brain!! He's a thoughtful soul, I think you would like him!!๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”
Brain:

Hi how are you? There's not a moment you're not with me: from sun up to sun down! So, what's on my mind..
• Taking you to the beach and watch the sunset/sunrise☀️
• Just sit a listen ๐Ÿ‘‚๐Ÿพto you talk about your goals and help you make/keep a list ๐Ÿ“
• Taking a ride on the highway late at night! ๐Ÿš—
• I wanna learn how to ride a motorcycle just so you can ride again!!! ๐Ÿ
• Travelling with you!  ✈️๐Ÿ›ณ๐Ÿš…๐Ÿš€๐Ÿ‡ญ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡ฏ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ด๐Ÿ‡ต๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ป๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง๐Ÿ‡ฟ๐Ÿ‡ผ
And much more! 

Note: Sometimes me and Heart are not on the same page but we always try to think and make sure it is safe before our other partner in crime gets involved- may I introduce Mrs. Lips๐Ÿ‘„! 
Mrs. Lips

Mmmm...what can I say?? You're a beautiful woman, an intelligent woman! That's what Heart loves about you!! ❤️❤️❤️  
You're a go getter, determined, strong! At the same time you're gentle, kind, sensitive, considerate! I have only touched your cheek but would like to touch more! 

As usual, you call the shots, you're in control! I think I have said enough! Time to introduce-the Silkster...Mr. Hands!!!!

Mr. Hands

Good day, I hope what you have heard so far is agreeable with you! ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘
Because now it's time to make you feel good! How you may ask! Well, I would use my hands to caress your beautiful hair and face. In addition I would use them to oil your back after a shower and massage your shoulders and any where else that needs relaxing. But mostly I would love to just hold you...only if you let me! Hope I wasn't too pushy! Take care of yourself Ms. Lady!! Now last but not least....DaEyez๐Ÿ‘

DaEyez

Hi, I've been waiting to see you!! My partners in crime don't know how to act when you come into my range of sight! 

Heart get flutters
Hands can't stay still
Lips get bent out of shape
Brain starts bouncing off the wall
And I get flooded with water...๐Ÿ’งwhy...because we believe you are an amazing person inside and out. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to our petition.... Now it's time to return to our cells until further notice! 

PS:
This petition was not intended to offend in any way, shape or form! You have been good to me in all aspects and it's appreciated! I don't want to lose that at any cost!!! 




Friday, September 23, 2016

Don't feel like being bothered...

Okay, we worked in Brooklyn today, I ran around...finally home!!! He's sleep, drunk,,, so do I take a few hits (mixed drink or couple sleeping pills) I'll take a few heavy hits.....don't wanna be bothered!!! 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Is opportunity presenting itself...????

Yes I am wondering if opportunity is presenting itself for me to get out this marriage!!

I have been asking, wondering how I can get out of a marriage I am just going thru the motions with! 
Every touch, kiss, intimate moment I dispise because I don't want it with him! Yes marriage is sacred and I do my best to respect the arrangement despite my feelings for this one!

So the convo comes up again..."So what do you want to do...get in the game (see other people)...or...stay with our religion? I need an answer!"

I sit and think, I'm not happy in this marriage...if I "get in the game"...disassociate myself from the religion.....get a divorce...then come back without him!!" That was my plan!!!  

Sleeping around is not my thing! Been there done that! Not fulfilling!! Left me feeling empty!! Not a good feeling!! 

Questions I'm asking myself:
Is that a good plan?
How will kids feel; although I don't think they really care!
Will I really come back?
What's gonna happen in the middle of all of this?
Will I find someone in the meantime???๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”

I just really want to be happy! He doesn't make me happy!! It's just negative energy which is very draining! Most days I don't want to get out of bed, or I just lay on bed all day until it's time to do something!! Contemplating between Suicide or divorce! Yeah...that again!!! 
There have been times where I would take a sleeping pill just so I would be sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night!! NO ONE should have to do that!!  Getting married is my ONLY regret in life!!!! 

Time to be a big girl!!! I hate being a grownup!! ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ I have to go thru the pain to get to the victory of happiness! 

Maybe it's a chance for a new beginning...something I have been wanting!!! But is this the answer!!! 
#WhoKnows


Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Next Breath

TANK LYRICS

Play "Next Breath"
on Apple Music
"Next Breath"

[Verse:]
As I pour this glass of wine
I hope it helps me express these thoughts of mind
(Noo) I don’t think I ever felt the way I feel for you girl 
So I'm turning these lights down and I'm telling you right now

[Chorus:]
I don’t think I’ve ever ever really told you how much I need you
Girl I need you more then my next breath
Never would I ever leave you cause darling I need you
I need you more then the next breath I breathe

[Verse:]
I'm sorry for the times that I stressed you out
And I'm thankful for the times you ain’t put me out your house (yea)
Ohhh I feel in love more than once
But ever single time it was with you girl (ohhhh)

[Chorus:]
I don't think I've ever ever really told you how much I need you
I need you more then my next breath
Never would I ever leave you cause darling I need you
I need you more then the next breath I breathe

[Bridge:]
This is the part where we slow it down (slow it down)
Make love to your mind its okay you can think out loud (you can be as loud as you want to)
Its 4 in the morning and I'm pouring out my heart girl
So much to say I don’t know where to start girl (ohhhh)

[Chorus: (2x)]
I don't think I've ever ever really told you how much I need you
I need you more then my next breath 
Never would I ever leave you cause darling I need you
I need you more then the next breath I breathe

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Looking at the walls

Just sitting here looking at the walls!!!๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜• thinking....๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”

Friday, September 16, 2016

Feeling a certain way

What way is that....that way when you want to just crawl up under someone and just lay there! They will give you that TLC that you need so badly!!!! 

Feel like being babied right now!!!! ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ

Yes, I have a husband but it won't be the same!!!! I feel no connection with him!!! Don't know if I ever will! Just going thru the motions of being married!!! ๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•

Trying to fill this empty space! Trying to learn to comfort myself! I need to get away again!! 

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Monday, September 12, 2016

Feeling alive

I'm just sitting here not feeling alive!! That sucks!!! ๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜•

IJS

Feeling emotional

Feeling emotional this morning...music may have something to do with that!!
Too much R&B listening alone!!!๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Taking the lead!!

Do you want me to take the lead??!!๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿพ❤️❤️๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน

Those moments

There are times where I have moments when I don't know what's wrong with me! I go thru all the possibilities and come up with nothing specific! Maybe it's everything, maybe it's nothing!

Do I suffer from general anxiety? Who knows! What I do know is I'm not happy! Almost in a constant state of sadness ☹️☹️☹️ and irritation! ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก

Monday, September 5, 2016

Reasons

Reasons"

Now, I'm craving your body, is this real
Temperatures rising, I don't want to feel
I'm in the wrong place to be real
Woahh and I'm; longing to love you
just for a night,
Kissing and hugging and holding you tight
Please let me love you
with all my might

Reasons, the reasons that we hear,
The reasons that we fear
Our feelings a-won't disappear

Oooh! And- after the love game has been played
All our illusions were just a parade
And all the reasons start to fade

[Layering Chorus]
LA-LA-LA-ETC
After all our reasons why
All the reasons were a lie
After all the reasons lo-ove was ne'er decide

And, longing to love you for one night
Please let me love you with all of my might, baaaaby
OOOHHH, Baby!

Reasons, the reasons that we hear,
The reasons that we fear
Our feelings a-won't disappear
Oooh! And after the love games have been played
All our illusions were just a parade
And all the reasons start to fade
And, in the morning when I rise,
No longer feeling hynotized
For no reasons, our reasons, our reasons
Have no pri-ii-de

[Layering Chorus]
LA-LA-LA-ETC
After all the reasons why
All of the reasons were a lie
After all the reasons lo-ove was ne'er decide

[Phillips last solo]
Heeehhhhh, Ooooh, yeaahhh, Oohhh Baby,
I can't find the reasons
That my love won't disappear
Can't find the reasons
Why I love you ,my baby, my dear
Can't find the reasons
Wanna love you all night
Can't find the reasons
Gotta squeeze ya, real tight
Can't find the reasons
Baby- yeah,
For my tears
Can't find the reasons
Why I love ya....

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Miss it so much

What do I miss so much....
The passionate kissing ๐Ÿ‘„๐Ÿ‘„
The love making
The excitement of seeing the one your in love with ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ‘€
The skin to skin cuddling
Sitting and saying nothing while listening to music๐ŸŽผ๐ŸŽผ๐ŸŽผ
Seeing love in the person's eyes๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
Saying "I love you" and really meaning it
Rubbing my fingers through their hair (or dreads in this case) lol
Fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with them!!!!!

But now it's all a memory!!!! DAYUM!!!! 
☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Jehovah's Protection

I named this blog this is for one reason only!!! Because that's what I believe in my heart wholeheartedly that's what it is...why????

Today as alway, running around as usual! Taking everyone to work, running errands, blah blah blah! The "norm" 

To keep myself from going too too crazy about my feelings, I knit! It keeps me somewhat calm except I overthink and get super emotional and want to cry! 

So today after dropping my son off work, I get home and realize my husband has been drinking again! How do I know, his mannerism is different, the things he say and the way he says it is different! The frustration and disappointment begins! 

When he gets like this I would rather not be there until it wears off!!

So he says what he always says! Why don't you go get some.... Yup...he's talking about that! 

He knows I want it and at the same time NEED it! But me trying to stay away as much as possible...so far so good! I ignore him as usual but agree to shut him up! He says he wants me to get out the house, tired of seeing me knit all the time! Go have some fun!!! 

Yeah right!!!! What fun!! 

Anyway....so I leave...asks a couple of my girlfriends what are they doing! One responded back that she (happened to be my ex-girlfriend) was in pain because she had hand surgery last week! She is there alone!!! Thoughts start running thru my mind, not good ones!!! 

 I'm still frustrated now....thinking about how I've been feeling about my marriage and how I have so disappointed with it! But trying to honor and respect it as much as possible! 

Today, I felt like I was at my breaking point... So after Shoprite and the beauty supply store, I was headed over to Bloomfield to get hubby some food but that also where "she" lives at the moment! My thought was to stop by.....๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ
But at that moment (at the light where I could go straight to Bloomfield or turn back towards my house) my daughter texted and said she was ready to go to the Congregational Picnic in Livingston!!! In my heart of hearts I believe that it was my Jehovah God telling to "No" you need to be around the friends! "Spiritual Friends" 

So I got my daughter and went to the picnic!! ๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

There have been other instances where "no" was the answer! 

He knows how frustrated and disappointed I am with my marriage but I believe He is telling me this is not the way to handle it!!! 

I made up a saying,"Rejection is protection!" And so far that has been the case!!! 

I am trying to endure-it's not easy especially when you live with the person!!! So I knit, endure and talk to my God to sustain me! Every now and again I cry!! Something gotta give!!!  

I think that's all, if not I'll post more

Thank you for listening!!!! It's always appreciated 
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน


Friday, August 26, 2016

Caring too much?

Is there a such thing as caring too much for someone! I was told I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I care/love I do it hard! And I guess the person knows it!!

At this time in my life I feel like I am caring for the right person but at the wrong time!!

Sometimes I sit and cry because of how much I care!! Why because I can't go any further with these feelings! I find myself going off into places I shouldn't and say why am I doing this to myself!!! Get over it and move on- everyone has!!! But I can't or don't know how!

My life isn't terrible but it's not ideal for ME! I want it to be MY LIFE and it's not! Other people are involved!!! ...and part of their feelings are in my hands!! 

If I would have only met you 7 years ago!!! But no need in thinking about the past!!! 

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Stop Over thinking

I have to stop sitting and over thinking to the point of crying! I do this too often!!!

Monday, August 22, 2016

Need an R n B riding buddy

I love R n B but have no one to enjoy it with! Looking for someone who will be my R n B riding buddy!!!

Will it be you??

Friday, August 19, 2016

At this point

I shouldn't want to take sleeping pills not to be with my husband, but that's where I am! When he drinks his personality is not agreeable with me!!!! Then he wants to do the do! I don't think so!!!! 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Suffocate

Suffocate"

Now even though I try to play it off
I'm thinking about you all day long
And I can't wait for shorty to come through
From your lips and back up to your eyes
My hands on your hips when we grind
I'm fantasizing bout what I'm gonna do to you
Got me fiening for her love can't lie
Man you should see how she got me
Spending all this time with her
And I couldn't leave her if I wanted to
Her love turns men into fools
Tell me what a man is to do

Cause I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind
I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind

Whenever we up in this bed
And my fingers fall in your hair
I wonder if you feel me watching you
Cause I can't go a night without your loving
Got me looking at this phone
Every time it rings I hope it's you girl
You got my bracing for your love
And I fallen for you I can't lie
I just wanna be with you
Yes she got me there I said
And somebody call the paramedics
Tell em to hurry up and come through

Cause I can't breathe when you talk to me (can't breathe)
I can't breathe when you're touching me (when you touch me)
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind (I'm going outta my mind)
I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind

Don't ever leave me girl
I need you inside my world
I can't go a day without you
And see nobody else will ever do
I'll never feel like I feel with you

Cause I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me (when you touch me)
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind (I'm going outta my mind)
I can't breathe when you talk to me (oh when you talk to me)
I can't breathe when you're touching me (I can't breathe when you touching me)
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm going outta my mind (I'm going outta my mind)

Oh no no I can't breathe
Oh no no I can't breathe (I can't breathe)
Oh no no I can't breathe oh no

I need it badly

Need someone to make love to me
This emotion is getting out of control 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Am I missing it????

How does one proceed to love me? What am I missing? 
What do I need?
I still feel empty!! 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Waste of tears

Considering how i have been feeling lately, thinking I should stop wasting tears and staying up sleeplessly! Seriously doubt the same is done because of me!!! 

What am I to do with these emotions!!!
#DailyPain 

Love this song!!!

LUTHER VANDROSS LYRICS

Play the Luther Vandross Quiz
"Never Too Much"

I can't fool myself, I don't want nobody else to ever love me
You are my shinin' star, my guiding light, my love fantasy
There's not a minute, hour, day or night that I don't love you
You're at the top of my list 'cause I'm always thinkin' of you

I still remember in the days when I scared to touch you
How I spent my day dreamin' plannin' how to say I love you
You must have known that I had feelings deep enough to swim in
That's when you opened up your heart and you told me to come in

Oh, my love
A thousand kisses from you is never too much
I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A million days in your arms is never too much
I just don't wanna stop

Too much, never too much, never too much, never too much

Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started
I called you up, but you weren't there and I was broken hearted
Hung up the phone, can't be too late, the boss is so demandin'
Opened the door up and to my surprise there you were standin'

Well, who needs to go to work to hustle for another dollar
I'd rather be with you 'cause you make my heart scream and holler
Love is a gamble and I'm so glad that I'm winnin'
We've come a long way and yet this is only the beginnin'

Oh, my love
A thousand kisses from you is never too much
(Never too much, never too much, never too much)
I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A million days in your arms is never too much
(Never too much, never too much, never too much)
And I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A thousand kisses from you is never
(Never too much, never too much, never too much)
I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A million days in your arms is never too much

Monday, July 25, 2016

Good night

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Need to move forward.....but how

I am a place in my life where I am don't want to be...yes here we go again!!!! 

How do I move forward..from what?
Well, let's see! Although my body is home, I am emotionally and mentally elsewhere all the time! A place where I rather be but there have not been an invite! 

Compatibility is such a key to success in a relationship without it I don't think you can really thrive! I think it would always be a situation where you are always tolerating each other with little if any enjoyment! I don't want to tolerate anyone I want to fully enjoy them, then and only then can you FULLY give yourself to them! 

Two Saturday's ago, I "ran away" yes I am grown and I ran away from home! Just felt tired!!! And although I came back, where else would I go right!!! I still feel like I don't want to be here! 

When I talk, touch, kiss someone I want that tingly feeling you get, those butterflies, that feeling of I can't wait to see you! I don't have that!!! What happened? Where did it go, or did I ever have that!!! I'm gonna go crazy or crazier if I don't get that! I've never felt so empty in my life!!! What is it gonna take??? 


Friday, July 22, 2016

You are...Charlie Wilson

I wanna cry whenever I hear this song....


CHARLIE WILSON LYRICS

Play "You Are"
Try TuneIn Radio for Free!
"You Are"

Butterflies is what I feel inside
And every time is like my first time oo wee
And I can't never find the words to say
You're the perfect girl
You were made for me
It's so easy to love you baby
We're compatible, incredible and natural we are
And girl I've never felt this way before
From the bottom of my heart
Baby girl I just wanna tell you that you are

The reason I love the reason I trust
God sent me an angel
You are the best in the world
A wonderful girl
Knowing you by my side brings tears to my eyes

Baby
Girl you had me from the moment I looked into your eyes
And I knew you were an angel but you were in disguise
Tell me how could I be so lucky
That you'd fall down from Heaven for me
Oo baby

Some people search a lifetime and never find a true love oo wee
But Heaven cared enough for me to give me you
And now our hearts they beat together
Standing stronger here forever
You and I (you and I)
You and I (you and I)
I just want you to know you are

The reason I love the reason I trust
God sent me an angel
You are the best in the world
A wonderful girl
Knowing you by my side
And a man ain't supposed to cry
But girl you are
The only woman I make love to
The reason I come home at night
(Girl you are)
You're all that I need in my life
And it almost feel
It's not fair
Loving you I don't care
You are (you are)
You are

You are the reason I love the reason I trust
God sent me an angel
You are the best in the world
A wonderful girl (you're a wonderful girl)
Waoh Oh
You are
(Baby you are) you're all that I am
(You are) You're all that I need
(You are) Baby heaven has sent you to me
(Baby you are) the one for me
(You are) the air that I breathe
(You are) baby you are you are (oohh yeahh)
You are, you are everyday to me baby
You're everything oh baby
Baby you are...