Monday, September 26, 2016

Something Stinks

So I was suppose to go out to lunch with an old colleague but it fell thru which is fine!!! But I told hubby, about it and what did he ask me...yup.."am I gonna get that!"😡😡😡 what the hell!! What have I created!! I tell him no! So the conversation went on and on about why not!! 

Something just don't smell right...why is he so adamant about me doing someone else. He says because it's nothing else to do!!!! I'm thinking it's because he has cheated and wants me to have sex with someone just to tell me he already did and clear his conscious!! That's what my gut is telling me!! 

Am I creating something that doesn't exist??🤔🤔🤔

Tired of feeling stupid!!!😡😡😡😞😞

Sunday, September 25, 2016


So...hubby is gone taking care of family business won't be back until Wednesday!  Great...what now!!! 

Sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I'm still not happy, not that I want him here. I get a little breather from all the complaining he does! 

But in the meantime what EXACTLY am I looking for.... 
I've been told I'm going thru midlife crisis. Possible! Nothing brings me joy anymore! Signs of depression, midlife crisis & menopause!!! 🤔🤔🤔
So what advice hubby gives:"Go and f**k if you want if it makes you happy!" Great advice Hun!! 😡😡😡 Also says I don't need to see a psychiatrist....mmmm I beg to differ!! Need to speak to someone who's neutral on the subject!! 

Too depressed to even make money online...which is easy peasy!! Just laying here looking at all this information people would pay to have to improve their business! 

Watching/listening to everyone live their lives! 😔 No one can change it but the saying goes! Think I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep!! 😭😭😭

Yup!!!! That's my day so far!!! 😞😞😞

Saturday, September 24, 2016

My Heart is up for parole

Note: Mr. Heart has something it wants to say to you! Not intended to offend or disrespect!!
Read at your own Risk!!! 


I met you a year and a half ago and I fell for you instantly! Because of the nature of our professional relationship, I didn't want to say much! But at some point I had to speak! I told you how I felt and you did the same! The feelings weren't mutual and respectfully so, I stepped back and kept silent....for the most part! 

Now here I am...thankfully still in your life! 🤗🤗🤗🤗 My feelings for you haven't changed as a matter of fact I can say they are stronger! 🏋🏾🏋🏾🏋🏾 But I still respect your position on the matter, therefore I keep silent 🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊 and try not to come on too strong! It's hard sometimes. But it is what it is!! 

I have some partners in crime who has something to say to you! Let me first introduce Brain!! He's a thoughtful soul, I think you would like him!!🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

Hi how are you? There's not a moment you're not with me: from sun up to sun down! So, what's on my mind..
• Taking you to the beach and watch the sunset/sunrise☀️
• Just sit a listen 👂🏾to you talk about your goals and help you make/keep a list 📝
• Taking a ride on the highway late at night! 🚗
• I wanna learn how to ride a motorcycle just so you can ride again!!! 🏍
• Travelling with you!  ✈️🛳🚅🚀🇭🇺🇬🇷🇮🇷🇯🇪🇳🇺🇳🇴🇵🇸🇹🇰🇺🇬🇻🇮🇬🇧🇿🇼
And much more! 

Note: Sometimes me and Heart are not on the same page but we always try to think and make sure it is safe before our other partner in crime gets involved- may I introduce Mrs. Lips👄! 
Mrs. Lips

Mmmm...what can I say?? You're a beautiful woman, an intelligent woman! That's what Heart loves about you!! ❤️❤️❤️  
You're a go getter, determined, strong! At the same time you're gentle, kind, sensitive, considerate! I have only touched your cheek but would like to touch more! 

As usual, you call the shots, you're in control! I think I have said enough! Time to introduce-the Silkster...Mr. Hands!!!!

Mr. Hands

Good day, I hope what you have heard so far is agreeable with you! 👍👍👍
Because now it's time to make you feel good! How you may ask! Well, I would use my hands to caress your beautiful hair and face. In addition I would use them to oil your back after a shower and massage your shoulders and any where else that needs relaxing. But mostly I would love to just hold you...only if you let me! Hope I wasn't too pushy! Take care of yourself Ms. Lady!! Now last but not least....DaEyez👁


Hi, I've been waiting to see you!! My partners in crime don't know how to act when you come into my range of sight! 

Heart get flutters
Hands can't stay still
Lips get bent out of shape
Brain starts bouncing off the wall
And I get flooded with water...💧why...because we believe you are an amazing person inside and out. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to our petition.... Now it's time to return to our cells until further notice! 

This petition was not intended to offend in any way, shape or form! You have been good to me in all aspects and it's appreciated! I don't want to lose that at any cost!!! 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Don't feel like being bothered...

Okay, we worked in Brooklyn today, I ran around...finally home!!! He's sleep, drunk,,, so do I take a few hits (mixed drink or couple sleeping pills) I'll take a few heavy hits.....don't wanna be bothered!!! 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Is opportunity presenting itself...????

Yes I am wondering if opportunity is presenting itself for me to get out this marriage!!

I have been asking, wondering how I can get out of a marriage I am just going thru the motions with! 
Every touch, kiss, intimate moment I dispise because I don't want it with him! Yes marriage is sacred and I do my best to respect the arrangement despite my feelings for this one!

So the convo comes up again..."So what do you want to do...get in the game (see other people)...or...stay with our religion? I need an answer!"

I sit and think, I'm not happy in this marriage...if I "get in the game"...disassociate myself from the religion.....get a divorce...then come back without him!!" That was my plan!!!  

Sleeping around is not my thing! Been there done that! Not fulfilling!! Left me feeling empty!! Not a good feeling!! 

Questions I'm asking myself:
Is that a good plan?
How will kids feel; although I don't think they really care!
Will I really come back?
What's gonna happen in the middle of all of this?
Will I find someone in the meantime???🤔🤔

I just really want to be happy! He doesn't make me happy!! It's just negative energy which is very draining! Most days I don't want to get out of bed, or I just lay on bed all day until it's time to do something!! Contemplating between Suicide or divorce! Yeah...that again!!! 
There have been times where I would take a sleeping pill just so I would be sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night!! NO ONE should have to do that!!  Getting married is my ONLY regret in life!!!! 

Time to be a big girl!!! I hate being a grownup!! 😫😫😫😫 I have to go thru the pain to get to the victory of happiness! 

Maybe it's a chance for a new beginning...something I have been wanting!!! But is this the answer!!! 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Next Breath


Play "Next Breath"
on Apple Music
"Next Breath"

As I pour this glass of wine
I hope it helps me express these thoughts of mind
(Noo) I don’t think I ever felt the way I feel for you girl 
So I'm turning these lights down and I'm telling you right now

I don’t think I’ve ever ever really told you how much I need you
Girl I need you more then my next breath
Never would I ever leave you cause darling I need you
I need you more then the next breath I breathe

I'm sorry for the times that I stressed you out
And I'm thankful for the times you ain’t put me out your house (yea)
Ohhh I feel in love more than once
But ever single time it was with you girl (ohhhh)

I don't think I've ever ever really told you how much I need you
I need you more then my next breath
Never would I ever leave you cause darling I need you
I need you more then the next breath I breathe

This is the part where we slow it down (slow it down)
Make love to your mind its okay you can think out loud (you can be as loud as you want to)
Its 4 in the morning and I'm pouring out my heart girl
So much to say I don’t know where to start girl (ohhhh)

[Chorus: (2x)]
I don't think I've ever ever really told you how much I need you
I need you more then my next breath 
Never would I ever leave you cause darling I need you
I need you more then the next breath I breathe

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Looking at the walls

Just sitting here looking at the walls!!!😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕 thinking....🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

Friday, September 16, 2016

Feeling a certain way

What way is that....that way when you want to just crawl up under someone and just lay there! They will give you that TLC that you need so badly!!!! 

Feel like being babied right now!!!! 😫😫😫😫😫

Yes, I have a husband but it won't be the same!!!! I feel no connection with him!!! Don't know if I ever will! Just going thru the motions of being married!!! 😕😕😕😕

Trying to fill this empty space! Trying to learn to comfort myself! I need to get away again!! 

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Monday, September 12, 2016

Feeling alive

I'm just sitting here not feeling alive!! That sucks!!! 😕😕😕😕


Feeling emotional

Feeling emotional this may have something to do with that!!
Too much R&B listening alone!!!💔💔💔💔

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Taking the lead!!

Do you want me to take the lead??!!🙋🏾🙋🏾❤️❤️🌹🌹

Those moments

There are times where I have moments when I don't know what's wrong with me! I go thru all the possibilities and come up with nothing specific! Maybe it's everything, maybe it's nothing!

Do I suffer from general anxiety? Who knows! What I do know is I'm not happy! Almost in a constant state of sadness ☹️☹️☹️ and irritation! 😡😡

Monday, September 5, 2016



Now, I'm craving your body, is this real
Temperatures rising, I don't want to feel
I'm in the wrong place to be real
Woahh and I'm; longing to love you
just for a night,
Kissing and hugging and holding you tight
Please let me love you
with all my might

Reasons, the reasons that we hear,
The reasons that we fear
Our feelings a-won't disappear

Oooh! And- after the love game has been played
All our illusions were just a parade
And all the reasons start to fade

[Layering Chorus]
After all our reasons why
All the reasons were a lie
After all the reasons lo-ove was ne'er decide

And, longing to love you for one night
Please let me love you with all of my might, baaaaby

Reasons, the reasons that we hear,
The reasons that we fear
Our feelings a-won't disappear
Oooh! And after the love games have been played
All our illusions were just a parade
And all the reasons start to fade
And, in the morning when I rise,
No longer feeling hynotized
For no reasons, our reasons, our reasons
Have no pri-ii-de

[Layering Chorus]
After all the reasons why
All of the reasons were a lie
After all the reasons lo-ove was ne'er decide

[Phillips last solo]
Heeehhhhh, Ooooh, yeaahhh, Oohhh Baby,
I can't find the reasons
That my love won't disappear
Can't find the reasons
Why I love you ,my baby, my dear
Can't find the reasons
Wanna love you all night
Can't find the reasons
Gotta squeeze ya, real tight
Can't find the reasons
Baby- yeah,
For my tears
Can't find the reasons
Why I love ya....