Monday, February 27, 2017

My accomplishments

I often compare my life with others, knowing I shouldn't, and ask what have I accomplished at the age of 44?

I  don't have a degree, own house, new car, my bank account is a never full, for long anyway, I don't travel, afford a vacation!

Well then I have to sit back and say:
You have a wonderful family
I'm not a grandmother
My children don't run the streets, do or sell drugs, sleep around, I know where they are at all times! All work! Never been in trouble with the law! A husband who worships the ground I walk on!

A roof over my head, clothes, food, an awesome cat!!! I also have a few hobbies turned part time business! Work for myself and just got a new job and own vehicle! Oh how can I forget, one of Jehovah's servants!!

After all is said and done, I have to say I've accomplished a lot!!!


Saturday, February 25, 2017

How am I doing???

I'm at the point to where I want to walk away from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!!!! Just go somewhere and be alone!! Go and cry my eyes out and start over!!! Tired of dealing with Sh*t!!! Need a long break!!! Maybe even some new people in my life!!! I don't know! Too many emotions to deal with: I'm angry, pissed, bitter! I have feelings I can't do anything with!!! I feel like I am bursting at the seams with being so emotional and keeping it all in!!!! There are times when everyone is sleep I cry so hard because of how I've been feeling! I want to walk away!!! No one needs this crap!!!

Most people would be happy to have "someone, anyone" to love them! But everyone's definition of love is different! Loving me isn't just doing things for me! Loving me is also the way you treat me, talk to me, taking care of me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!!!! All of those are being neglected!!!! Why would he think I'm looking elsewhere! Yes he's dealing with his own demons as we all are but dayum! Give me a break!!!

A few weeks ago came home with kids just to find out he tried to drink himself to death, literally!! He said how he felt about everyone! My son got upset to the point of knocking stuff over and yelling at his sisters and I to get off of him!!!! My husband woke up out of his drunkiness (sp?)  My son told my husband how much he needed him, yes my husband said out loud he was trying to kill himself, because he felt like a failure as a dad and husband!

My husband says we are all responsible for each other's  feelings! I agree to a degree!!! So would me leaving result in my husband committing Suicide and my son flipping out and blaming me! We all have to do what we can live with!!! That senerio  will have permanent results! Can't live with that! But can't live the way I'm living now! This part of life doesn't come with a manual! It's trial and error, hoping it's not an error!!!  So do I suffer to prevent permanent damage???

I'm also starting to hate the fact that I feel the emotion of love!!!

Friday, February 24, 2017


I feel abandoned!!! I feel lost!!! How do i release this stress and frustration!
All my husband does is rant and rave about how he feels as if Jehovah is a fraud! How the Bible has double standards!!! Tired of hearing that!! I walk in the door and that's one of the first things I hear!!! I think so much about just going to a motel to live! But my children deserves more than me just walking out although it's not on them!!! WTH!!!!

Also realizing I can't have what I want!!!! Life is starting to suck!!! Feeling empty and lonely but has to be better than being miserable 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Being shown favor/approval?

So I been pre approved for $600 from fingerhut and $650 credit card!!!
Is Jehovah telling me yes it's okay to go on with my plan! How should I look at this!!
I want to look at it as a blessing, what says you???

Saturday, February 4, 2017

My Attitude

What have I notice about myself lately, my attitude is changing...not for the better
I am always angry, bitter, resentful, annoyed, pissed. Most of the time I don't wanna be bothered! 

I am starting to put a shield around my heart!! It's starting to feel very little each day. As of now I am going thru the motions of life!!! 

Doing what I have to do to get thru each day!!! 

Thursday, February 2, 2017

I desire

Just because someone is married doesn't mean they desire that person! 
My desires are starving to be fed! But I have to hold off on that one! 

What I desire:
Someone's touch to make me melt!
When I look in their eyes I am 100000% submissive! Open like 7-eleven 
Someone to take me to ecstasy 
To be loved, properly
To be held
To be Shown compassion
To be in love 

Girl Gone

So my " R&B buddy" no longer exist! I ride and sing alone!!! 
Reality is setting in! I sing to no one anymore! Ha sad I am, sad!!!