Friday, April 22, 2016

My heart

If I told you I love you what would you say
If I told you I needed and wanted you  what would you do

You give me peace of mind
You make me laugh 
You make me smile
You make me want to live

You have a beautiful smile
You have a beautiful mind
Your eyes are lovely
I love staring at you 
I think about you all the time 

I wish things were different 
I cry because I want to be with you 
I cry because you don't want me
I cry because I have to learn to live without you 

I miss you!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️



What's keeping me sane

While riding today 4/20/16 I was feeling pretty good! So I asked myself "What's keeping me sane" at this moment? Well, I started thinking! I enjoy the music I listen to: R&B old and new school! It just puts me in such a mood! A nice mood I can listen to it all day!!!! 

It's always a peaceful ride when I do that but the only thing that saddens me is I am alone!!! Then there I go again me and my "imaginary friend" riding shotgun!!!! Smh!! Oh well

I'll be okay!!! 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

What's on my mind.....

A bunch of stuff. I sit and wonder what my body is going thru. One day I'm fine and next I feel like taking a handful of sleeping pills....which I keep in my bag at all times. 

There are days where I feel like I can take on the world then there are days where I just want to sit and cry all day!!! 

I looked up chronic depression and wonder if that was it but then menopause have kinda the same symptoms. Need to see the doctor. 

I find sad and scary at the same time when I am driving and wishing maybe even fantasizing someone is in the car with me, psychotic I know! We are riding and listening to music, usually have my R & B playing and my mind goes to town! Then I snap out of it thinking how sad that is! Sounds like I need a PentHouse at the psych ward! Trust me I've thought about it! 

Thought about seeing a psychiatrist! 
My mind is my worst enemy! I make up a world that don't exist! Maybe because I want it so bad!! Maybe even need it!! 

Saturday, April 2, 2016


So what questions are on my mind these days:

Am I not grateful for what I have
Am I being greedy 
Am I expecting too much
Am I money hungry 
What am I suppose to do with these feelings I have
Am I too hard to please
Do I ask for too much
Is my happiness not important 
How do I explain this
Do I just let it all go

These are the things that plague my mind daily. My feelings are all over the place! There are days when I am mad because I feel this way.

I wish I could start anew. 
Make decisions with few, little regret! 
Maybe I am in a midlife crisis
Maybe I have general anxiety 
Maybe I am depress
In either case it can't go on like this

I was told, when I am ready for change it will happen! So why do I fear this particular change? Maybe because there are too many people involved! 

Sometimes I think about just driving and not coming back but then I fear my family won't make it without me but then I say they are survivors, they will be just fine. But why put that burden on them, will that be selfish?-yes? 

All I know is I don't wanna feel what I feel because it's not gonna change! 

There are days when I want to cry but have no one to comfort me, no shoulder to lean on. So I hold it in! Not good I know but I need someone to understand and console me! 

I need that hug that makes "everything go away" that hug that makes you endure a little longer, that hug that says it gonna be okay when you know it won't be, that hug that gives you hope for another day! 

I feel so alone and lost! I feel as though I am just going thru the motions of life! What I use to enjoy I don't anymore! How do I bounce back! How do I find Michelle again!! How do I love Michelle the way she needs to be loved!! Everybody needs to be out of my life for that! Sometimes I just want to be alone that way less disappointments!!!! Just me, my cat and yarn!!! 

Yeah, seriously considering that!!!