He got defensive

So today was a long day for me! Driving! Got home took a nap, then he laid beside me! Aarrggh!!! Anyway! At some point I asked if he was wearing cologne/put on extra! He ask why was I starting with him! WTH!!! I just asked a simple question! That's okay!!!  

-----

He so wants us to swing again!!! I only want to because it will easier to file for divorce, I guess! But I'm not really into that anymore!! Yes I would love to have someone on the side but not this way! 

He doesn't want me to leave him! Said I can cheat but don't leave!! Ain't that some shit! Said I am perfect for him but realize he's not perfect for me and he is good with that!! Well I'm not!!! I have to go, I have to go!!! Trying to plan my next move!!! 

Where is she

Where is that person who reassures you that everything is going to be okay!

That calming voice, that gentle hand, those eyes that say I am here for you, that hug that makes all of your problems "disappear", that soul that calms YOUR mind, body and soul!

That soft, smooth body you just want to hide inside of and never come out!!
Where is she??? I need her now!!!
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

This is how I feel

This song is perfect for my situation now:

CHRISETTE MICHELE LYRICS

Play "Blame It On Me" on Apple Music

"Blame It On Me"

Sometimes you can work it out
Sometimes you can't
Sometimes you're forced to watch everything fall apart -- it's out of your hands.
Sometimes leaving is easy
Sometimes it ain't
Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had was slowly fading away

[Chorus:]
You can say whatever you like
As long as we just say goodbye
BLAME IT ON ME
Say it's my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

I ain't a quitter
I just ain't the type
I tried to see you through
I tried to make it to the finishing line
Oh you thought it was meant to be yeah
I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes your not right

[Chorus]

Yes I love you but I really got to lose you
Freedom is where I want to be
Yes I'll probably always love you
But I'm moving
I got to do this for me

[Chorus x2]

How much longer

I wonder how much longer I can fake the funk! Right now I'm just playing my part as wife! I feel nothing inside! He touched me nothing, he kisses me nothing! Sex,, nothing

 I feel so dead inside! Walking zombie sometimes! Sometimes I just want to go live in a hotel but I keep saying what about my kids, they deserve more than that!! Yes they are over 21 but still how do I explain! Should be easy right?? How tho!!! It's always been about my kids!!!

Emotional

There are moments when I get overwhelmed with my emotions! I want to express them so much but with someone who's worthy of receiving my love and compassion!! All I can do now is sigh and breath and wait!!!