Saturday, January 21, 2017

He thinks I'm cheating

So he thinks I'm cheating!!! Had a convo a week ago, a heart to heart if you will! Told me how he thinks!! When I'm out and I take a long time or say I'm going to one of my crafts stores, he thinks I'm elsewhere!!! So I ask with who, he says he doesn't know, anyone!! That's some sh*t!!! He wants to be  back in the "game" I'm good with that but want me to do it first!! Ha!! This man is a real joke!! Yup..time to go!!

I got my notary business, looking for an apartment, so expensive tho, and need a car!! Yeah I can't do this! 

My soul is empty 
I'm unhappy 
I feel lonely

All of who I am not!!! 

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Need a Side Chick

So hubby is doing all he can to make me happy, even was able to get us another vehicle! Great! Now looking for us to move and gonna get assistance with that!! Great! Still don't want to be married to him! 

If I am gonna stay to compensate for his hard work and changes, some changes! I need a side chick to cover what he can't!!!

What I need

I need to made love to by someone qualified

Friday, January 13, 2017

An occasional hi

Sometimes an occasional hi would be nice!!


Im sitting here listening to my favorite music feeling lifeless! I feel like I have no one to sing to now! When you can't express your feeling you feel dead, at least I do! I feel dead inside! Life is starting to mean nothing to me! I feel like I am going back on my plans for myself for 2017! The harder he tries the guiltier I'm feeling for wanting to leave! Maybe that's the whole plan!

I'm coming to the realization I'm not here for me, I'm here for everyone else! When I said "I do" I knocked myself out of the equation! Not sure if that makes sense!

I find myself falling further and further into a depressed state!

I don't want him touching, talking, breathing, looking at me! What has me feeling this way!! Could it be years of verbal abuse, emotional neglect! I just want to throw my hands up and give up!

I'm strong for everyone else but me! Ha

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Set my heart free

I wanna set my heart free!!!

About Last Night

So hubby and I "get together" as he is holding me, caressing me, it actually feel uncomfortable! Numb so to speak! I feel it on the surface but it doesn't penetrate!

Tonight he wants to hold me and listen to the music I listen to! I said yes but I guess the way I said it suggested that I didn't want to!

The poor man is trying but I feel like it's too late!!!

How I'm feeling

how am I feeling!!! Well...a lot is going on in this little head of mine! Trying to figure out where everyone fits in my life, what am I after, also realizing that my fantasy is just that..a fantasy!! Nothing more nothing less! Which means i have to untwist my thinking! That thought leaves me feeling empty! 

We are suppose to go to Jehovah for all things! How do I go to him to help me fill a physical void in my life! I pray to him and he helps me endure! I guess that has to be enough! 

It's shameful to be lonely and married! That doesn't go together! My heart doesn't get happy with him! It actual seems to die more! 

I don't wanna just exist I want to live! What's my next step in moving forward! 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Feel so alone

i feel so alone right now, feel like crying!! How long will this last!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Some things you just don't say!!!

So Friday 1/6/17 I go out take both girls to work, I have the car to do inspections, come back take son the work, continue doing inspections, pick up girls from work, come home, put in pictures, think I also had to cook that night!!

So the arrangement is: I go out and do inspections, he stay home and put in information on computer! Why, he doesn't like driving! 👎🏽😠 I don't complain too much because it's gets me out the house! So fine!!

This particular day, I didn't answer a question because I missed it so when he gets to it,
he asked why didn't I get the answer to this question!
I said "I must have skipped over it!
He ask "Why?"
I said I didn't see it!"
He says, "How did you not see it when it's on your phone!"
I say:"I don't know!"
Him: "What you mean you don't know, who should I ask!"

Of course the bottom line is I didn't get the answer! With some auto places we inspection somethings can be answered by observation, so not all questions need to be asked! But he wasn't satisfied with the answers given him! He keep badgering, I blew up: I threw my phone on the floor and stormed out of the bedroom into the girls room! We stood in the living room arguing and cussing at each other, while the kids watched on! At that point I threw my rings on the floor towards him! He stormed towards me but were stopped by the kids. I went and sat on the girls bed!

At this point everyone is upset, especially my youngest! So as I over hear the conversation he is having with the other two children how I'm too stupid to do the jobs! How much time he spends putting the information in, how it takes him hours and staying up all night looking for the information about the company that the insured didn't provide. So he goes on and on and on!!!

My son tells him about all that I do, driving, jobs and some times cook! My husband agreed but still beefing.

I mentioned divorced to my youngest, she said that would them in the middle, they have no where to go! I stated I would make room for them!

So going along...Went back in room, he asks what's wrong with me, I told him! When you question me like that I can't take it and I flip out: like he didn't know that! Says I need to get that fixed!!! 😱😱 okayyyy!!! There so much that needs to be said!!!!!!

He says:
Everyone is upset because of me
Why am I chasing after other people
Why do I wanna be a nobody
One day if I act like this again he will murder me!!!
Why am I looking for outside of home and he hopes it stings me in the a**
What's better than what's here
He even told my son, he wants me to leave and never come back!
Why do I want to be a weak person

One thing I do have to agree with him on is, I don't open my mouth! Communication has always been my downfall!!

I just feel so defeated, tired emotionally mentally and physically! I'm too the point of not wanting to try anymore or be with anyone! This relationship is too trying!  It's not worth it!!

Then of course he goes back as if everything is okay, he apologizes!! I don't accept!
I'm tired boss!!

I'm sure I'm forgetting some things but until then!!!

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Make the opportunity

i think that I have to have the perfect opportunity to get where I want to be.
How I want things to work out in this order:
More Money, car, apartment
That's ideal but at this stage of the game I'll rent a room!! I just need to get away!! But I still need a car! 
I have to create an opportunity for things to go my way!!!