I have been asking, wondering how I can get out of a marriage I am just going thru the motions with!
Every touch, kiss, intimate moment I dispise because I don't want it with him! Yes marriage is sacred and I do my best to respect the arrangement despite my feelings for this one!
So the convo comes up again..."So what do you want to do...get in the game (see other people)...or...stay with our religion? I need an answer!"
I sit and think, I'm not happy in this marriage...if I "get in the game"...disassociate myself from the religion.....get a divorce...then come back without him!!" That was my plan!!!
Sleeping around is not my thing! Been there done that! Not fulfilling!! Left me feeling empty!! Not a good feeling!!
Questions I'm asking myself:
Is that a good plan?
How will kids feel; although I don't think they really care!
Will I really come back?
What's gonna happen in the middle of all of this?
Will I find someone in the meantime???🤔🤔
I just really want to be happy! He doesn't make me happy!! It's just negative energy which is very draining! Most days I don't want to get out of bed, or I just lay on bed all day until it's time to do something!! Contemplating between Suicide or divorce! Yeah...that again!!!
There have been times where I would take a sleeping pill just so I would be sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night!! NO ONE should have to do that!! Getting married is my ONLY regret in life!!!!
Time to be a big girl!!! I hate being a grownup!! 😫😫😫😫 I have to go thru the pain to get to the victory of happiness!
Maybe it's a chance for a new beginning...something I have been wanting!!! But is this the answer!!!