Thursday, December 10, 2015

Divorce vs Suicide

Divorce or Suicide 
Yeah, complicated decision! But why either? Well, I am an unhappy person and also consider myself to be a cowardly person. I don't stand up for myself and how I feel! I don't express myself because I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so therefore I keep things bottled up inside. I know, it's not healthy but everyone is happy right? 

So, I am not happy with my marriage. He is not the guy for me. Found that out long time ago but since we had kids and I didn't want to be a single parent, thought that was the best choice, the children having two parents to raise them. I have to say we did an awesome job! But now the kids are over 18, the decision is wearing on me! I don't want to me married anymore, at least not to him! Why you may ask! 

We are not compatible in any shape or form. What I like he hates, what he likes I tolerate. Not a good match. Although we do have good conversations from time to time, he's not someone I want to spend eternity with! But when you get married your not just making a commitment to the one you are marrying you are also making a commitment to God, that's where it's gets complicated! 

You hold your vows/commitment to God higher than the one to your spouse. So you or should I say I feel stuck in an unhappy situation. What do I do I constantly ask myself. 

So then I start thinking Suicide! But that would leave everyone hurt, at least I think. This method would at least end my hurt but start everyone else's. But sometimes I wonder if they would miss me or what I do for them. I don't know! Sometimes the hurt is just too much to bear. 

So what don't I like about my marriage: my husband clowns me in the sense of every little mistake I make he tells the kids, in a supposedly joking manner but it gets very annoying. 

He also makes what I think are excuses of why he doesn't go out to do the inspections: he hates driving because of the way people drive, it makes him angry! Get over it!! He only has been going because of the company that he only works for! Other than that, I make the appointments, do the inspections, but he puts the work in. I guess that's okay! 

When he drinks- his mannerism is what I think is awful. He just acts childish I hate that! 

I don't feel comforted by him! I don't feel like I can let my guard down and not be strong for a moment! I feel like I always have to be the strong one! I do get tired! 

I want to be able to lay in someone's arms and let loose in the sense of just opening up without regret! I don't feel as I have a best friend! The one I wanted to be my best friend isn't acting as such, so for as long as I can I am letting her go. 

I removed her number from my phone. If she wants to talk she knows how to reach me! But that is hurting so bad! 

As of the last paragraph...I put her number back in my phone, texted her, she's fine! It's been a month, it'll be another month before I contact her again, maybe!! Not that i believe she cares!! 

I realize she has her own life, a new life. So who am I to disturb that!! NO ONE!!! 
I don't think I am going to make it this year in this marriage!! I seem to get more depressed everyday!!! My reality sucks and it won't get any better!! That's commitment for ya!!! 

Alcohol and drugs equal death!!!!!! Sounds like a date!!! 


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Being Nurtured

I often try to figure out what's lacking with me! I think I have finally figured it out! My needs are not being nurtured. 

How do I mean that? Well let's go thru a day in a life with me. Everything I do, eat, breath seem to be Social Media! I am constantly posting, seeing who is posting what, thinking maybe I can add something of value to the thought or conversation. 

Now mind you, I have a husband who gives me "attention"! Why in quotes you may ask. Well, he tells me I am beautiful, sexy, all that good stuff....blah blah blah! But my thing is "what are you going to do with me" 

It's like getting a puppy because he is cute! You don't walk him, take him on trips, bathe him, etc, But you're so in love with how his fur feels and how it makes you feel. But how are you making the puppy feel, he comes to play it be petted and you turn it away, or do it begrudgingly. That doesn't feel good so how much more so do people feel when you do that?! 

I've been writing this post for over a day now, lost my thoughts ! 😐