Wednesday, April 19, 2017

He got defensive

So today was a long day for me! Driving! Got home took a nap, then he laid beside me! Aarrggh!!! Anyway! At some point I asked if he was wearing cologne/put on extra! He ask why was I starting with him! WTH!!! I just asked a simple question! That's okay!!!  

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He so wants us to swing again!!! I only want to because it will easier to file for divorce, I guess! But I'm not really into that anymore!! Yes I would love to have someone on the side but not this way! 

He doesn't want me to leave him! Said I can cheat but don't leave!! Ain't that some shit! Said I am perfect for him but realize he's not perfect for me and he is good with that!! Well I'm not!!! I have to go, I have to go!!! Trying to plan my next move!!! 

Monday, April 17, 2017

Where is she

Where is that person who reassures you that everything is going to be okay!

That calming voice, that gentle hand, those eyes that say I am here for you, that hug that makes all of your problems "disappear", that soul that calms YOUR mind, body and soul!

That soft, smooth body you just want to hide inside of and never come out!!
Where is she??? I need her now!!!
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

Sunday, April 16, 2017

This is how I feel

This song is perfect for my situation now:

CHRISETTE MICHELE LYRICS

Play "Blame It On Me"
on Apple Music 
"Blame It On Me"

Sometimes you can work it out
Sometimes you can't
Sometimes you're forced to watch everything fall apart -- it's out of your hands.
Sometimes leaving is easy
Sometimes it ain't
Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had was slowly fading away

[Chorus:]
You can say whatever you like
As long as we just say goodbye
BLAME IT ON ME
Say it's my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

I ain't a quitter
I just ain't the type
I tried to see you through
I tried to make it to the finishing line
Oh you thought it was meant to be yeah
I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes your not right

[Chorus]

Yes I love you but I really got to lose you
Freedom is where I want to be
Yes I'll probably always love you
But I'm moving
I got to do this for me

[Chorus x2]

How much longer

I wonder how much longer I can fake the funk! Right now I'm just playing my part as wife! I feel nothing inside! He touched me nothing, he kisses me nothing! Sex,, nothing

 I feel so dead inside! Walking zombie sometimes! Sometimes I just want to go live in a hotel but I keep saying what about my kids, they deserve more than that!! Yes they are over 21 but still how do I explain! Should be easy right?? How tho!!! It's always been about my kids!!!

Friday, April 14, 2017

Emotional

There are moments when I get overwhelmed with my emotions! I want to express them so much but with someone who's worthy of receiving my love and compassion!! All I can do now is sigh and breath and wait!!!

Friday, March 31, 2017

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Wanna give up

I have those moment where I want to give up on my plan! But I say you're not gonna know or even be happy if you do! I so hard wanna believe there is someone for "me" I guess! I sometimes don't believe in that "you were made for me" thing! Sometimes you just happen to meet people, hit it off and run with it! I think we are all told a bunch of hog wash when it comes to relationships! Maybe I am just losing my faith in them!

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He goes on his rants almost all the time about God and sometimes how I am want to leave him to go the other side! He thinks I just want Pu$$y I tell him it's not about that! It's the connection, how soft they are!! He says I don't know what to do with it!!! I laugh!! Never had an issue and never will!! He think he's not good enough and I don't appreciate him!!! I try to explain to him I do and whats missing in this relationship! Intimacy, compassion and compatibility!! He want the dictionary definition of those words!! Looked them up and don't agree with them!!! 

Then he goes on to say, wouldn't i rather have someone who would die for me, work hard for me over compassion, I said I want it all! He doesn't believe that's possible and afraid that I will be disappointed and heart broken if I go try to find all those things in a person! Now you wanna protect me!!!

So in other words I can't have it all and I must live without one of the most important things I believe is part of a relationship! Mmmm I think not!
_______

I watched a documentary  "A Girl Like Her" it was about a girl who committed Suicide because she was being bullied in school! I saw how the family suffered, I don't want that for my family that's why I am trying to hold on as much as possible! It gets harder and harder by the day!! I know whats it's like to be loved and I want that feeling again! Will I find it, I don't know! But I won't know unless I put myself out there!  

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I also in the process of nipping my feelings in the bud hoping they fizzle out!! It's not doing me any good but making me crazier than I already am! If I at least calm them down, I should be okay! Hopefully!!!

I've been told several times I can't make her love me as I do her and I agree! I've come to that conclusion after two years!!! I've decided to slow my role way way down