Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Me, myself and I

So I've been focusing on me lately! Focusing on the things that are in my control! Focusing on making it to my happy place in life! Not letting the things I can't control get me emotional, just letting  it roll off my shoulders and move on!!! Right now it is what it is!!! Trying to learn to be happy with me! I do what I need to do to get thru the day!!

Whenever I drive I use to feel happy singing my R&B, now they are just another song!!! Maybe one day I'll be able to sing the songs I love to someone! That's a big maybe!!! Until then, it's about me!!!

It's my turn to be happy!! I think I deserve it!!!

Friday, March 17, 2017


So, with my new job I make $13/hr and get paid biweekly! My first pay i netted $737 and Gross $8XX can't remember! But that's only for 64 hrs! Man next pay will be 96 hours!!!! WHEW!!! 

Anywho, I was sitting and thinking! I can file for divorce with one check! Awesome! Still need apartment! Aarrggh!!!! Thinking studio since most only ask for one month, I think!!!! 

Slowly but surely! 

Was thinking to help him get a car, that way he can do inspections! I won't feel too bad!! But still concern with kids, yes they are grown but still my children! Their care will always be my concern!!! 

Sunday, March 12, 2017

My spirit is leaving

Several things are going on:
First, it's has come to me, probably not the first time, that all he wants to do is f@@k and drink! Although he has said that on several occasions! Don't know why it's hitting me now! 

Also, we talk about how we don't belong together and it's like putting a bullet in our heads just to stay and tolerate each other! But he doesn't want to let me go, understandable! But here's the kicker, he said, on more than one occasion how he believe I was destined to be like my family! Sleeping with anyone, have babies by anyone, be nobody, on welfare and happy!! My heart sunk!!!! I've been in a zombie state all day!! Nothing matters anymore!!! Just hear those words echoing in my head!!! 

He also said he was over his head with me when it comes to love making because he knows nothing about that!!! And I'm over my head when it comes to dealing with him!! Says I want things simple and easy, yes, yes I do! 

Trying to figure out how to pick myself up! All I have now is to allow Jehovah to get me thru this! No one should have to live with such negative talk!!! It's sucks the life out of a person! I'm trying not to be self destructive! Trying to hold on to the little bit of care I have about life and the people around me! Once the ball starts rolling with paychecks of the new job I should be okay!! I have to remember everything in due time!!! Patience and endurance 

Friday, March 3, 2017


This is something that's been on my mind lately!!! Mmmm giving it a lot of thought!!!
I need a companion with compassion!
Need someone I have something in common with!!!

Monday, February 27, 2017

My accomplishments

I often compare my life with others, knowing I shouldn't, and ask what have I accomplished at the age of 44?

I  don't have a degree, own house, new car, my bank account is a never full, for long anyway, I don't travel, afford a vacation!

Well then I have to sit back and say:
You have a wonderful family
I'm not a grandmother
My children don't run the streets, do or sell drugs, sleep around, I know where they are at all times! All work! Never been in trouble with the law! A husband who worships the ground I walk on!

A roof over my head, clothes, food, an awesome cat!!! I also have a few hobbies turned part time business! Work for myself and just got a new job and own vehicle! Oh how can I forget, one of Jehovah's servants!!

After all is said and done, I have to say I've accomplished a lot!!!


Saturday, February 25, 2017

How am I doing???

I'm at the point to where I want to walk away from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!!!! Just go somewhere and be alone!! Go and cry my eyes out and start over!!! Tired of dealing with Sh*t!!! Need a long break!!! Maybe even some new people in my life!!! I don't know! Too many emotions to deal with: I'm angry, pissed, bitter! I have feelings I can't do anything with!!! I feel like I am bursting at the seams with being so emotional and keeping it all in!!!! There are times when everyone is sleep I cry so hard because of how I've been feeling! I want to walk away!!! No one needs this crap!!!

Most people would be happy to have "someone, anyone" to love them! But everyone's definition of love is different! Loving me isn't just doing things for me! Loving me is also the way you treat me, talk to me, taking care of me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!!!! All of those are being neglected!!!! Why would he think I'm looking elsewhere! Yes he's dealing with his own demons as we all are but dayum! Give me a break!!!

A few weeks ago came home with kids just to find out he tried to drink himself to death, literally!! He said how he felt about everyone! My son got upset to the point of knocking stuff over and yelling at his sisters and I to get off of him!!!! My husband woke up out of his drunkiness (sp?)  My son told my husband how much he needed him, yes my husband said out loud he was trying to kill himself, because he felt like a failure as a dad and husband!

My husband says we are all responsible for each other's  feelings! I agree to a degree!!! So would me leaving result in my husband committing Suicide and my son flipping out and blaming me! We all have to do what we can live with!!! That senerio  will have permanent results! Can't live with that! But can't live the way I'm living now! This part of life doesn't come with a manual! It's trial and error, hoping it's not an error!!!  So do I suffer to prevent permanent damage???

I'm also starting to hate the fact that I feel the emotion of love!!!

Friday, February 24, 2017


I feel abandoned!!! I feel lost!!! How do i release this stress and frustration!
All my husband does is rant and rave about how he feels as if Jehovah is a fraud! How the Bible has double standards!!! Tired of hearing that!! I walk in the door and that's one of the first things I hear!!! I think so much about just going to a motel to live! But my children deserves more than me just walking out although it's not on them!!! WTH!!!!

Also realizing I can't have what I want!!!! Life is starting to suck!!! Feeling empty and lonely but has to be better than being miserable