Crazy Thinking

My mind have been going a mile a minute lately. My emotions all over the place. Suicide have even been on my mind a lot. But I already know that's not an option only because I have children, although they are grown, I still consider their feelings and I guess that's fair. 

Where do I begin? What do you do when your heart and mind decide not to communicate with each other? When you KNOW one thing but your heart goes on the opposite direction despite you trying to rationalize with yourself. You do a reality check but your heart doesn't listen. 

At times I just talk to God and ask him to take this feeling from me. It's hard to deal with. I guess when something is engrained in you and you try to change its going to be that way from time to time. 

There are times when I wish I didn't exist. Times I wish I could go back in time and make different decisions. I guess we all do from time to time. 

You can't make the people you want to fall in love with you. My heart hurts daily!!

I guess I want what I want. But for the rest of my life I have to settle because of not knowing myself enough to make a better decision. DAYUM!!!