At this time alot. My mind keeps going back and forth whether I should stay because he is trying to hard to please me. Most people get credit for that. I always tell people he cook, clean, shop and weighs on me hand and foot. But that is not enough for me. I need someone to bring in some real money to pay bills. We have our own business but the pay is contingent on how many inspections can be completed per week. There are weeks we bring in $300 and weeks where there is nothing. I am very thankful for the job that I have it pays every two weeks but it's steady. After taxes, insurances and 401 there's $800+ coming in. After paying rent, $550 every two weeks. That's leaves gas and food money for two weeks. Which needs to be budgeted carefully.
For some reason he doesn't want to kids to contribute to anything unless he ask. I say they should contribute anyway. They live here, mess here. They should pay part of rent, PSEG, food ANYWAY. But no he doesn't want them to be broke. Hell with that. We broke or should I say I'm broke.
______
Yesterday 5/10/2017 I was very angry in the morning, why. Because I had to do both my new job work, along with inspection work while he lays in the bed playing Angry Birds. I have to keep remembering my "Why" Why I want and NEED to leave. My soul is just not happy not matter how i try to find reasons to stay. Maybe it's just not meant for me to stay. What he does for me is fine and appreciated. But my heart is just not here, which makes it very difficult to show any emotion of appreciation.
________________
Being the person that I am, I realize I still have wifely duties to perform, so I take one for the team and perform them as well as possible. It's very difficult to do so. I have to fantasize about other people just to get off, and that doesn't always work. The climax isn't as intense as it use to be. He then asks me "What happened" I say " I don't know" He knows where I stands with that, I think he just tries very hard to "be the man" but I think deep down he knows he isn't anymore.
_______
Every now and again, we talk about me wanting to leave and he says for what. I tell him how I not feeling him anymore, we've grown apart. I try to reassure him that I am not leaving for anyone but myself. How I find it difficult to stand him. Then he goes on and say how he believes I was destined to be a "hood rat" be with any and everyone, like my family. I find that very insulting, very insulting. I also tell him how since we are not compatible it also makes it difficult. He turns around and say how much he loves me and what he does for me and how no one would be able to stand being with me since everyone once in awhile I freak out, go nuts but it's because he pushes me to the limit of wanting to hurt myself and not be here anymore because of what I have to endure being with him.
I been with him for 30 years that 's along time to be with one person, sorta, been with others in the mist but you get what I'm saying. I need compassion, compatibility in a relationship. Someone who knows how to handle me. He doesn't know what to do with me. Someone who don't say "What is it now" when I have a problem. I need to know what I can come to you about what ever. I have to admit he is an honest person, sometimes brutally honest, I don't do brutally honest well. I am highly sensitive, I try not to be but that 's just the way I am. I think my skin have toughened up since being married to him. My emotions I try to hide, don't know if I do it well. I don't talk about how I feel much, if at all. I just sigh and try to think of way to make it better.
_____
He wants me to believe that starting over, being single is stupid. Says who wants to be alone, no one but I would rather be alone than go stir crazy over anyone. I want peace of mind. I don't think I quite have that. I also think he is benefiting way more than I am. Ever since I've known him, I've footed the bill for all that we have. When we needed to move to South Carolina, I worked doubles 3 days straight, one day off and back to work, this is working nights into the day. When we needed to move back to Jersey I was the one who got my job back so we can get an apartment. When we lost our apartment, my mother was the one who let us stay in her apartment, senior building, until we got on our feet, all the while I am going to school for surgical tech in the day. When we moved to Elizabeth, who paid the deposit, when we moved to East Orange, who paid the deposit and rent (everytime). We got evicted twice. We went into a shelter, twice in one year. Who went to school to get a job and an HHA, home health aid, so we can have a steady income and move out. Not saying he never worked, it's just not enough or steady. We have been where we are for 3 years, I am thankful for my understanding and workable landlord. Our rent is suppose to be $1000 paid by the 5th but that got screwed up, landlords fault. and now we pay $1100. $550 every two weeks. He, husband, don't like this place and wants to move. Ha, I'll be damn if I'm gonna work my ass off again to move. No one in this house is complaining but him. He ask if I found us a place, I say no and leave it at that. You want move, come up with the money and pay the rent. I REFUSE to do it again.
I feel like such as fool for going thru this for so long when I know I can have better. He wants me to believe no one will tolerate me. I don't know all that I want but I know what I don't want and that's this marriage. Sometimes I think I am trying to save face and go thru the complications that "might" come. I know sometimes we make things worst in our own minds. I think I am going that. I have to stop and move forward or I will never be happy. He also wants me to believe that Love is better than compatibility. I tell him you NEED both and there are different types of love. So according to him, his love should be enough. But I don't like or need HIS TYPE of love. You know the love that leaves you disappointed and hurt.
_________
I am already having celebration parties in my head. I have all the people I want in my life over, we are just talking, playing, dancing,eating. The life I want. Just people who only want what's good for me. Happy people, pleasant people. Loving people. If I never have a relationship again, I think I would be good with that. I love people.
__________
What do I do from here?
Am I making it more difficult than necessary?
Don't know and we'll see.
Thank you for listening to me rant. Love you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment