Saturday, April 2, 2016


So what questions are on my mind these days:

Am I not grateful for what I have
Am I being greedy 
Am I expecting too much
Am I money hungry 
What am I suppose to do with these feelings I have
Am I too hard to please
Do I ask for too much
Is my happiness not important 
How do I explain this
Do I just let it all go

These are the things that plague my mind daily. My feelings are all over the place! There are days when I am mad because I feel this way.

I wish I could start anew. 
Make decisions with few, little regret! 
Maybe I am in a midlife crisis
Maybe I have general anxiety 
Maybe I am depress
In either case it can't go on like this

I was told, when I am ready for change it will happen! So why do I fear this particular change? Maybe because there are too many people involved! 

Sometimes I think about just driving and not coming back but then I fear my family won't make it without me but then I say they are survivors, they will be just fine. But why put that burden on them, will that be selfish?-yes? 

All I know is I don't wanna feel what I feel because it's not gonna change! 

There are days when I want to cry but have no one to comfort me, no shoulder to lean on. So I hold it in! Not good I know but I need someone to understand and console me! 

I need that hug that makes "everything go away" that hug that makes you endure a little longer, that hug that says it gonna be okay when you know it won't be, that hug that gives you hope for another day! 

I feel so alone and lost! I feel as though I am just going thru the motions of life! What I use to enjoy I don't anymore! How do I bounce back! How do I find Michelle again!! How do I love Michelle the way she needs to be loved!! Everybody needs to be out of my life for that! Sometimes I just want to be alone that way less disappointments!!!! Just me, my cat and yarn!!! 

Yeah, seriously considering that!!! 

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