Wanna give up

I have those moment where I want to give up on my plan! But I say you're not gonna know or even be happy if you do! I so hard wanna believe there is someone for "me" I guess! I sometimes don't believe in that "you were made for me" thing! Sometimes you just happen to meet people, hit it off and run with it! I think we are all told a bunch of hog wash when it comes to relationships! Maybe I am just losing my faith in them!

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He goes on his rants almost all the time about God and sometimes how I am want to leave him to go the other side! He thinks I just want Pu$$y I tell him it's not about that! It's the connection, how soft they are!! He says I don't know what to do with it!!! I laugh!! Never had an issue and never will!! He think he's not good enough and I don't appreciate him!!! I try to explain to him I do and whats missing in this relationship! Intimacy, compassion and compatibility!! He want the dictionary definition of those words!! Looked them up and don't agree with them!!! 

Then he goes on to say, wouldn't i rather have someone who would die for me, work hard for me over compassion, I said I want it all! He doesn't believe that's possible and afraid that I will be disappointed and heart broken if I go try to find all those things in a person! Now you wanna protect me!!!

So in other words I can't have it all and I must live without one of the most important things I believe is part of a relationship! Mmmm I think not!

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I watched a documentary  "A Girl Like Her" it was about a girl who committed Suicide because she was being bullied in school! I saw how the family suffered, I don't want that for my family that's why I am trying to hold on as much as possible! It gets harder and harder by the day!! I know whats it's like to be loved and I want that feeling again! Will I find it, I don't know! But I won't know unless I put myself out there!  

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I also in the process of nipping my feelings in the bud hoping they fizzle out!! It's not doing me any good but making me crazier than I already am! If I at least calm them down, I should be okay! Hopefully!!!

I've been told several times I can't make her love me as I do her and I agree! I've come to that conclusion after two years!!! I've decided to slow my role way way down