Saturday, February 25, 2017

How am I doing???

I'm at the point to where I want to walk away from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!!!! Just go somewhere and be alone!! Go and cry my eyes out and start over!!! Tired of dealing with Sh*t!!! Need a long break!!! Maybe even some new people in my life!!! I don't know! Too many emotions to deal with: I'm angry, pissed, bitter! I have feelings I can't do anything with!!! I feel like I am bursting at the seams with being so emotional and keeping it all in!!!! There are times when everyone is sleep I cry so hard because of how I've been feeling! I want to walk away!!! No one needs this crap!!!

Most people would be happy to have "someone, anyone" to love them! But everyone's definition of love is different! Loving me isn't just doing things for me! Loving me is also the way you treat me, talk to me, taking care of me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!!!! All of those are being neglected!!!! Why would he think I'm looking elsewhere! Yes he's dealing with his own demons as we all are but dayum! Give me a break!!!

A few weeks ago came home with kids just to find out he tried to drink himself to death, literally!! He said how he felt about everyone! My son got upset to the point of knocking stuff over and yelling at his sisters and I to get off of him!!!! My husband woke up out of his drunkiness (sp?)  My son told my husband how much he needed him, yes my husband said out loud he was trying to kill himself, because he felt like a failure as a dad and husband!

My husband says we are all responsible for each other's  feelings! I agree to a degree!!! So would me leaving result in my husband committing Suicide and my son flipping out and blaming me! We all have to do what we can live with!!! That senerio  will have permanent results! Can't live with that! But can't live the way I'm living now! This part of life doesn't come with a manual! It's trial and error, hoping it's not an error!!!  So do I suffer to prevent permanent damage???

I'm also starting to hate the fact that I feel the emotion of love!!!

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