How did I get here

I often look at my life and wonder how did I get to where I am. Did I not try hard enough? I guess I can say not. I can't even buy myself a coat. I eat what I have to oppose to what I want to. I am 42 years old. I feel like this is not where I am suppose to be. I feel stuck, how do I get out of this rut. I work and work with nothing to show for it. I struggle from day to day like everyone else. But it just doesn't feel right. I am not happy in my skin  right now. I feel like just going somewhere and never coming back, but there is that thing called family. I can't abandon them, though most would just to clear their head. I need clarification of my life. Where is it headed other than to the new world. Right now everything seems wrong. I think I have built up such a wall with my emotions, I find it hard to show it. I want to cry and can't. I want to scream and beats things up and can't. I want to make more money and can't at least none I can keep.

I feel lonely and out of place. Where do I belong? I just go with the flow right now. What else is there to do? 

Maybe I need some "happy pills".