What's keeping me sane

While riding today 4/20/16 I was feeling pretty good! So I asked myself "What's keeping me sane" at this moment? Well, I started thinking! I enjoy the music I listen to: R&B old and new school! It just puts me in such a mood! A nice mood I can listen to it all day!!!! 

It's always a peaceful ride when I do that but the only thing that saddens me is I am alone!!! Then there I go again me and my "imaginary friend" riding shotgun!!!! Smh!! Oh well

I'll be okay!!! 

What's on my mind.....

A bunch of stuff. I sit and wonder what my body is going thru. One day I'm fine and next I feel like taking a handful of sleeping pills....which I keep in my bag at all times. 

There are days where I feel like I can take on the world then there are days where I just want to sit and cry all day!!! 

I looked up chronic depression and wonder if that was it but then menopause have kinda the same symptoms. Need to see the doctor. 

I find sad and scary at the same time when I am driving and wishing maybe even fantasizing someone is in the car with me, psychotic I know! We are riding and listening to music, usually have my R & B playing and my mind goes to town! Then I snap out of it thinking how sad that is! Sounds like I need a PentHouse at the psych ward! Trust me I've thought about it! 

Thought about seeing a psychiatrist! 

My mind is my worst enemy! I make up a world that don't exist! Maybe because I want it so bad!! Maybe even need it!! 

FAQ

So what questions are on my mind these days:

Am I not grateful for what I have

Am I being greedy 

Am I expecting too much

Am I money hungry 

What am I suppose to do with these feelings I have

Am I too hard to please

Do I ask for too much

Is my happiness not important 

How do I explain this

Do I just let it all go

These are the things that plague my mind daily. My feelings are all over the place! There are days when I am mad because I feel this way.

I wish I could start anew. 

Make decisions with few, little regret! 

Maybe I am in a midlife crisis

Maybe I have general anxiety 

Maybe I am depress

In either case it can't go on like this

I was told, when I am ready for change it will happen! So why do I fear this particular change? Maybe because there are too many people involved! 

Sometimes I think about just driving and not coming back but then I fear my family won't make it without me but then I say they are survivors, they will be just fine. But why put that burden on them, will that be selfish?-yes? 

All I know is I don't wanna feel what I feel because it's not gonna change! 

There are days when I want to cry but have no one to comfort me, no shoulder to lean on. So I hold it in! Not good I know but I need someone to understand and console me! 

I need that hug that makes "everything go away" that hug that makes you endure a little longer, that hug that says it gonna be okay when you know it won't be, that hug that gives you hope for another day! 

I feel so alone and lost! I feel as though I am just going thru the motions of life! What I use to enjoy I don't anymore! How do I bounce back! How do I find Michelle again!! How do I love Michelle the way she needs to be loved!! Everybody needs to be out of my life for that! Sometimes I just want to be alone that way less disappointments!!!! Just me, my cat and yarn!!! 

Yeah, seriously considering that!!! 

Worth much more!!!!

I think last night was the last straw. I've been called names....again!!! Among other things

"You just want to be a common nigga"

"You gotta stop fu*king up"

"Why you messing up the marriage?"

It's goes on! 

I can't do it anymore, I am worth much more than this!

I don't think my self esteem have been so low! I feel worthless! Spineless!

 My spirit is broken and gone because of this man! 

I've thought of Suicide because of this man! 

It's no reason for anyone to talk to people like this. 

I have to do something just don't know what that is yet!! 

My Fantasy

Where do I start! We all have them, some good some bad. So, what do I fantasize about!!??? 

I fantasize about being loved correctly. Someone who wants to take care of my mind, heart and soul. 

Someone whom I can stand being around and look forward to seeing at the end of the day! Someone who makes me melt, smile like a child because I am so happy and satisfied. Someone who fills my heart with joy regardless of what hardship we might be going thru! Someone who is respectful regardless of how angry, mad or upset they are at me! Someone who strengthens my weaknesses instead of breaking me down more. I can go on and on. But you get the picture. 

I honestly don't think that is going to happen. Which leaves me in an unhappy state. Most times I feel numb, just going thru the motions of life and marriage!  This the rest of my life you're  talking maybe eternity!!! In any event I want to be happy!! 

Just so you'll know

Fork in road

I feel like I am at a fork in the road! A decision needs to be made about my life and happiness! 

I know I don't want to be married anymore at least to the current person I am married to! I really think I have outgrown him. As far as being friends are concerned that's fine but the marriage part, I want to give up-badly!!!! 

What do I do? Thought about separating for a year but I have no where to go and neither does he.

I am sure he will be perfect for someone else just not me at this time if ever!! 

I wish I could run away, permanently! I am just tired! Tired, tired!!!