Just so you'll know

Fork in road

I feel like I am at a fork in the road! A decision needs to be made about my life and happiness! 

I know I don't want to be married anymore at least to the current person I am married to! I really think I have outgrown him. As far as being friends are concerned that's fine but the marriage part, I want to give up-badly!!!! 

What do I do? Thought about separating for a year but I have no where to go and neither does he.

I am sure he will be perfect for someone else just not me at this time if ever!! 

I wish I could run away, permanently! I am just tired! Tired, tired!!! 

Divorce vs Suicide

Divorce or Suicide 

Yeah, complicated decision! But why either? Well, I am an unhappy person and also consider myself to be a cowardly person. I don't stand up for myself and how I feel! I don't express myself because I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so therefore I keep things bottled up inside. I know, it's not healthy but everyone is happy right? 

So, I am not happy with my marriage. He is not the guy for me. Found that out long time ago but since we had kids and I didn't want to be a single parent, thought that was the best choice, the children having two parents to raise them. I have to say we did an awesome job! But now the kids are over 18, the decision is wearing on me! I don't want to me married anymore, at least not to him! Why you may ask! 

We are not compatible in any shape or form. What I like he hates, what he likes I tolerate. Not a good match. Although we do have good conversations from time to time, he's not someone I want to spend eternity with! But when you get married your not just making a commitment to the one you are marrying you are also making a commitment to God, that's where it's gets complicated! 

You hold your vows/commitment to God higher than the one to your spouse. So you or should I say I feel stuck in an unhappy situation. What do I do I constantly ask myself. 

So then I start thinking Suicide! But that would leave everyone hurt, at least I think. This method would at least end my hurt but start everyone else's. But sometimes I wonder if they would miss me or what I do for them. I don't know! Sometimes the hurt is just too much to bear. 

So what don't I like about my marriage: my husband clowns me in the sense of every little mistake I make he tells the kids, in a supposedly joking manner but it gets very annoying. 

He also makes what I think are excuses of why he doesn't go out to do the inspections: he hates driving because of the way people drive, it makes him angry! Get over it!! He only has been going because of the company that he only works for! Other than that, I make the appointments, do the inspections, but he puts the work in. I guess that's okay! 

When he drinks- his mannerism is what I think is awful. He just acts childish I hate that! 

I don't feel comforted by him! I don't feel like I can let my guard down and not be strong for a moment! I feel like I always have to be the strong one! I do get tired! 

I want to be able to lay in someone's arms and let loose in the sense of just opening up without regret! I don't feel as I have a best friend! The one I wanted to be my best friend isn't acting as such, so for as long as I can I am letting her go. 

I removed her number from my phone. If she wants to talk she knows how to reach me! But that is hurting so bad! 

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1/20/16

As of the last paragraph...I put her number back in my phone, texted her, she's fine! It's been a month, it'll be another month before I contact her again, maybe!! Not that i believe she cares!! 

I realize she has her own life, a new life. So who am I to disturb that!! NO ONE!!! 

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I don't think I am going to make it this year in this marriage!! I seem to get more depressed everyday!!! My reality sucks and it won't get any better!! That's commitment for ya!!! 

Alcohol and drugs equal death!!!!!! Sounds like a date!!! 

Goodbye!!!!

Being Nurtured

I often try to figure out what's lacking with me! I think I have finally figured it out! My needs are not being nurtured. 

How do I mean that? Well let's go thru a day in a life with me. Everything I do, eat, breath seem to be Social Media! I am constantly posting, seeing who is posting what, thinking maybe I can add something of value to the thought or conversation. 

Now mind you, I have a husband who gives me "attention"! Why in quotes you may ask. Well, he tells me I am beautiful, sexy, all that good stuff....blah blah blah! But my thing is "what are you going to do with me" 

It's like getting a puppy because he is cute! You don't walk him, take him on trips, bathe him, etc, But you're so in love with how his fur feels and how it makes you feel. But how are you making the puppy feel, he comes to play it be petted and you turn it away, or do it begrudgingly. That doesn't feel good so how much more so do people feel when you do that?! 

I've been writing this post for over a day now, lost my thoughts ! 😐

I am not crazy!!! I know what I feel

Tips to Identify the Difference Between Love and Lust by Judith Orloff, MD

The love inside of me

Sitting here waiting for daughter to get off work listening to slow jams knowing I have no one to share them with. Hubby doesn't like them. Which leaves me to enjoy them by myself! Sad if I should say so myself. There is so much love that I have to suppress because I have no one, I mean no one to express them to that would appreciate it and return the feeling. This leaves me depressed!!!! Constantly!!! 

I think I have reached a point in my life where I have grown and I feel as if my other half hasn't! Is finding someone else possible, of course but is that the answer, no!!!! 

So what do I do???? 

Life too complicated

I am often wondering what I am looking for in life and a partner. I just feel crazy at time just want to crawl in a corner and die. I think I liked it better when I was naive. Was happier then. 

I feel so out of place. Awful feeling. I await the new world Psalms 37:9-11,29 being patient is very hard. 

I think I am just ready to step down from being the strong one, it's getting exhausting.....fast 

Another issue I am dealing with, part of me have low self esteem, I know I am not the only one , I often wonder if I am really pretty! Not that I want any and everyone to talk to me but  at least I think I would think I look good. Yeah, hubby says it all the time and that should be enough but it's not. You seems to have to wear form fitting clothes and reveal all your goodies just for someone to say hi, then if they did I would get mad right!!! Probably. Life is too complicated.