Life too complicated

I am often wondering what I am looking for in life and a partner. I just feel crazy at time just want to crawl in a corner and die. I think I liked it better when I was naive. Was happier then. 

I feel so out of place. Awful feeling. I await the new world Psalms 37:9-11,29 being patient is very hard. 

I think I am just ready to step down from being the strong one, it's getting exhausting.....fast 

Another issue I am dealing with, part of me have low self esteem, I know I am not the only one , I often wonder if I am really pretty! Not that I want any and everyone to talk to me but  at least I think I would think I look good. Yeah, hubby says it all the time and that should be enough but it's not. You seems to have to wear form fitting clothes and reveal all your goodies just for someone to say hi, then if they did I would get mad right!!! Probably. Life is too complicated. 

How to find out

Sometimes I think the only way to find out if you can handle something is to try it, depending on what it is. 

Ask yourself: 

Is it worth it

Will you be happy

How many lives will it effect

Stand still

I feel as if my life is at a stand still

How do I proceed

So, I had my pep talk with my friend who helps me put things in perspective at least this one particular thing. 

I have often been told I have to do what makes me happy. But what's makes me happy does not make God happy. There's a conflict. It's not about me anymore. But if my heart isn't right then I am doomed anyway right? 

Is this where I endure and continue to apply self control? So why do I want to cry!!! I am tired of this feeling!!!  I feel like I have no one to talk to!! I feel so lonely!! 

I have to figure it out, I hate hearing those words!!!! Wish it would all go away!!!! 

Suicide is so ideal, but would anyone really miss me!!!! Or just miss what I do for them!!! 

Am I missing the big picture here, being strong take such a toll! I just want to be weak for a change. Let someone else be strong for me!!!! I am getting tired, I want to lay down and give up! 

But no one is listening!!!!!

Professional help

Thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I am creating a world that doesn't exist and its driving me crazy. My reality some may say is a good one. Husband who "loves" me. Good children! I guess people like me, so they say. But I am missing something physically and emotionally. I don't think it will ever be fulfilled. After nearly 30 years of not being I don't think it will be so why continue to try!

I need someone to talk to freely without worrying about offending anyone, hurting someone's feelings. I just need to talk and talk freely!!! 

Maybe I am suffering from general anxiety. I don't know, something just isn't right! 

I think I allow my life into some else's hand, not a good thing. 

I am not happy and I see opportunities passing me by but because of my current situation I can't do anything about it! 

Really sucks 

Crazy Situation

I am in love with someone who is not in love with me and someone who is in love with me, I am not in love with... Crazy situation!!!😕😕😕

It felt good

Just sitting here thinking about my past. A must happier time, emotionally at least. Maybe because I was oblivious to life, whatever that means. I had a person in my life that made me very happy-emotionally, mentally, and physically. They just made me feel good and I miss that so much!!! Wishing I could go back into time. Now the person is married to someone else. 

I could be myself and not walk on egg shells. I miss them!!