Such much has happened

 OMG. it's been such as long time since I posted anything a year to be exact. Alot has happened since then. My husband passed this past July. It was shocking, sudden. He was an alcoholic as I have stated before. There is so much I want to share with you and I will. Little by little in due time. 

Been a long time

 It's been a long time since I posted anything. What has happened since then. Quite  a bit. He is still drinking. I met up with a long time friend. My first boyfriend. We keep in touch. Umm. I've been threated, called out of my name, "whore" to be exact. We did start swinging again.. not much but did meet someone while doing so and i really like him. 

Here I am feeling lonely and defeated. Sometime wishing I would just go away. I hate having a bleeding heart and a conscious. I really don't want to be here but he makes sure that I say things to ensure that I stay. Like asking me not to leave him, am I going to leave, Do I love him.. you know all the normal stuff. My mind says no, my body says no. 

I feel like my life was taking from me. We met when I was 14 years old, Thinking on everything, I don't think he had any intention of really taking care of me. I have been the pillar of this family the whole time.

We are not on the same page in life. He hurts alot in every since of the word. Angry with everyone BUT loves his family. The kids, no doubt.. Me... another story. Not saying he doesn't love me, it's the way. I have learned not all love is equal. 

Well, I finished real estate school. I failed my first exam. I re take it next Saturday. hopefully I pass, been studying like crazy. But I already see it. I will work my butt off while he enjoy it. Says he wants to stop drinking and will get help after my benefits kick in. We will see. I don't get excited on words anymore. Tired of being disappointed.

This new guy... wow. 

Nice, has his own business. Can hold a conversation... but don't think he likes that fact that I am with my husband... granted. I hate this situation. i want to move forward with my life but don't seem to be able to do so. What will move my feet? I don't know. 

My feelings

feeling lonely and discouraged right now

Latest Development

So Hubby finally goes see Psychiatrist, says session was good! Says he has post traumatic syndrome which causes/leads to personality disorder and OCD. She wants him to get treated medically or she will be unable to continue to see him because his emotions are so high!! That's a work in progress! But what's hitting me now is that she said that him drinking and sex is OCD!! 

So wait, you mean to tell me him having sex with me means nothing, or nothing much! It's just to satisfy him and his ego/problem/whatever you want to call it! Don't know how to feel about that! 

I feel like I'm just his security blanket and nothing more! 😕😕😕😕🤔🤔🤔🤔

How and what do you do it

i often sit and analyze my feelings and I realize I feel empty inside! I wonder why! Start thinking something is wrong with me! How do you do it, what fils you up? And what's wrong with me, why can't I get a grip on reality?

Whats on my mind

At this time alot. My mind keeps going back and forth whether I should stay because he is trying to hard to please me. Most people get credit for that. I always tell people he cook, clean, shop and weighs on me hand and foot. But that is not enough for me. I need someone to bring in some real money to pay bills. We have our own business but the pay is contingent on how many inspections can be completed per week. There are weeks we bring in $300 and weeks where there is nothing. I am very thankful for the job that I have it pays every two weeks but it's steady. After taxes, insurances and 401 there's $800+ coming in. After paying rent, $550 every two weeks. That's leaves gas and food money for two weeks. Which needs to be budgeted carefully.

For some reason he doesn't want to kids to contribute to anything unless he ask. I say they should contribute anyway. They live here, mess here. They should pay part of rent, PSEG, food ANYWAY.  But no he doesn't want them to be broke. Hell with that. We broke or should I say I'm broke.

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Yesterday 5/10/2017 I was very angry in the morning, why. Because I had to do both my new job work, along with inspection work while he lays in the bed playing Angry Birds. I have to keep remembering my "Why" Why I want and NEED to leave. My soul is just not happy not matter how i try to find reasons to stay. Maybe it's  just not meant for me to stay. What he does for me is fine and appreciated. But my heart is just not here, which makes it very difficult to show any emotion of appreciation.

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Being the person that I am, I realize I still have wifely duties to perform, so I take one for the team and perform them as well as possible. It's very difficult to do so. I have to fantasize about other people just to get off, and that doesn't always work. The climax isn't as intense as it use to be. He then asks me "What happened" I say " I don't know" He knows where I stands with that, I think he just tries very hard to "be the man" but I think deep down he knows he isn't anymore.
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Every now and again, we talk about me wanting to leave and he says for what. I tell him how I not feeling him anymore, we've grown apart. I try to reassure him that I am not leaving for anyone but myself. How I find it difficult to stand him. Then he goes on and say how he believes I was destined to be a "hood rat" be with any and everyone, like my family. I find that very insulting, very insulting. I also tell him how since we are not compatible it also makes it difficult. He turns around and say how much he loves me and what he does for me and how no one would be able to stand being with me since everyone once in awhile I freak out, go nuts but it's because he pushes me to the limit of wanting to hurt myself and not be here anymore because of what I have to endure being with him.

I been with him for 30 years that 's along time to be with one person, sorta, been with others in the mist but you get what I'm saying. I need compassion, compatibility in a relationship. Someone who knows how to handle me. He doesn't know what to do with me. Someone who don't say "What is it now" when I have a problem. I need to know what I can come to you about what ever. I have to admit he is an honest person, sometimes brutally honest, I don't do brutally honest well. I am highly sensitive, I try not to be but that 's just the way I am. I think my skin have toughened up since being married to him. My emotions I try to hide, don't know if I do it well. I don't talk about how I feel much, if at all. I just sigh and try to think of way to make it better.

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He wants me to believe that starting over, being single is stupid. Says who  wants to be alone, no one but I would rather be alone than go stir crazy over anyone. I want peace of mind. I don't think I quite have that. I also think he is benefiting way more than I am. Ever since I've known him, I've footed the bill for all that we have. When we needed to move to South Carolina, I worked doubles 3 days straight, one day off and back to work, this is working nights into the day. When we needed to move back to Jersey I was the one who got my job back so we can get an apartment. When we lost our apartment, my mother was the one who let us stay in her apartment, senior building, until we got on our feet, all the while I am going to school for surgical tech in the day. When we moved to Elizabeth, who paid the deposit, when we moved to East Orange, who paid the deposit and rent (everytime). We got evicted twice. We went into a shelter, twice in one year. Who went to school to get a job and an HHA, home health aid, so we can have a steady income and move out. Not saying he never worked, it's just not enough or steady. We have been where we are for 3 years, I am thankful for my understanding and workable landlord. Our rent is suppose to be $1000 paid by the 5th but that got screwed up, landlords fault. and now we pay $1100. $550 every two weeks. He, husband, don't like this place and wants to move. Ha, I'll be damn if I'm gonna work my ass off again to move. No one in this house is complaining but him. He ask if I found us a place, I say no and leave it at that. You want move, come up with the money and pay the rent. I REFUSE to do it again.

I feel like such as fool for going thru this for so long when I know I can have better. He wants me to believe no one will tolerate me. I don't know all that I want but I know what I don't want and that's this marriage. Sometimes I think I am trying to save face and go thru the complications that "might" come. I know sometimes we make things worst in our own minds. I think I am going that. I have to stop and move forward or I will never be happy. He also wants me to believe that Love is better than compatibility. I tell him you NEED both and there are different types of love. So according to him, his love should be enough. But I don't like or need HIS TYPE of love. You know the love that leaves you disappointed and hurt.

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I am already having celebration parties in my head. I have all the people I want in my life over, we are just talking, playing, dancing,eating. The life I want. Just people who only want what's good for me. Happy people, pleasant people. Loving people. If I never have a relationship again, I think I would be good with that. I love people.

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What do I do from here?
Am I making it more difficult than necessary?
Don't know and we'll see.

Thank you for listening to me rant. Love you all.

How

How do I make my soul smile

My heart

my heart is in so much pain!!!! 💔💔💔💔

He got defensive

So today was a long day for me! Driving! Got home took a nap, then he laid beside me! Aarrggh!!! Anyway! At some point I asked if he was wearing cologne/put on extra! He ask why was I starting with him! WTH!!! I just asked a simple question! That's okay!!!  

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He so wants us to swing again!!! I only want to because it will easier to file for divorce, I guess! But I'm not really into that anymore!! Yes I would love to have someone on the side but not this way! 

He doesn't want me to leave him! Said I can cheat but don't leave!! Ain't that some shit! Said I am perfect for him but realize he's not perfect for me and he is good with that!! Well I'm not!!! I have to go, I have to go!!! Trying to plan my next move!!! 

Where is she

Where is that person who reassures you that everything is going to be okay!

That calming voice, that gentle hand, those eyes that say I am here for you, that hug that makes all of your problems "disappear", that soul that calms YOUR mind, body and soul!

That soft, smooth body you just want to hide inside of and never come out!!
Where is she??? I need her now!!!
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

This is how I feel

This song is perfect for my situation now:

CHRISETTE MICHELE LYRICS

Play "Blame It On Me" on Apple Music

"Blame It On Me"

Sometimes you can work it out
Sometimes you can't
Sometimes you're forced to watch everything fall apart -- it's out of your hands.
Sometimes leaving is easy
Sometimes it ain't
Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had was slowly fading away

[Chorus:]
You can say whatever you like
As long as we just say goodbye
BLAME IT ON ME
Say it's my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

I ain't a quitter
I just ain't the type
I tried to see you through
I tried to make it to the finishing line
Oh you thought it was meant to be yeah
I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes your not right

[Chorus]

Yes I love you but I really got to lose you
Freedom is where I want to be
Yes I'll probably always love you
But I'm moving
I got to do this for me

[Chorus x2]

How much longer

I wonder how much longer I can fake the funk! Right now I'm just playing my part as wife! I feel nothing inside! He touched me nothing, he kisses me nothing! Sex,, nothing

 I feel so dead inside! Walking zombie sometimes! Sometimes I just want to go live in a hotel but I keep saying what about my kids, they deserve more than that!! Yes they are over 21 but still how do I explain! Should be easy right?? How tho!!! It's always been about my kids!!!

Emotional

There are moments when I get overwhelmed with my emotions! I want to express them so much but with someone who's worthy of receiving my love and compassion!! All I can do now is sigh and breath and wait!!!

How

How do you live without compassion???

Wanna give up

I have those moment where I want to give up on my plan! But I say you're not gonna know or even be happy if you do! I so hard wanna believe there is someone for "me" I guess! I sometimes don't believe in that "you were made for me" thing! Sometimes you just happen to meet people, hit it off and run with it! I think we are all told a bunch of hog wash when it comes to relationships! Maybe I am just losing my faith in them!

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He goes on his rants almost all the time about God and sometimes how I am want to leave him to go the other side! He thinks I just want Pu$$y I tell him it's not about that! It's the connection, how soft they are!! He says I don't know what to do with it!!! I laugh!! Never had an issue and never will!! He think he's not good enough and I don't appreciate him!!! I try to explain to him I do and whats missing in this relationship! Intimacy, compassion and compatibility!! He want the dictionary definition of those words!! Looked them up and don't agree with them!!! 

Then he goes on to say, wouldn't i rather have someone who would die for me, work hard for me over compassion, I said I want it all! He doesn't believe that's possible and afraid that I will be disappointed and heart broken if I go try to find all those things in a person! Now you wanna protect me!!!

So in other words I can't have it all and I must live without one of the most important things I believe is part of a relationship! Mmmm I think not!

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I watched a documentary  "A Girl Like Her" it was about a girl who committed Suicide because she was being bullied in school! I saw how the family suffered, I don't want that for my family that's why I am trying to hold on as much as possible! It gets harder and harder by the day!! I know whats it's like to be loved and I want that feeling again! Will I find it, I don't know! But I won't know unless I put myself out there!  

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I also in the process of nipping my feelings in the bud hoping they fizzle out!! It's not doing me any good but making me crazier than I already am! If I at least calm them down, I should be okay! Hopefully!!!

I've been told several times I can't make her love me as I do her and I agree! I've come to that conclusion after two years!!! I've decided to slow my role way way down 

Angry

Feeling very very angry right now
Why do we allow people to define us
Tell us what we can't and can have
Destroy our dreams/hopes/beliefs
They don't have that right
#feelingangry
#emotional
Don't text or call me now, I'll be fine!!

Me, myself and I

So I've been focusing on me lately! Focusing on the things that are in my control! Focusing on making it to my happy place in life! Not letting the things I can't control get me emotional, just letting  it roll off my shoulders and move on!!! Right now it is what it is!!! Trying to learn to be happy with me! I do what I need to do to get thru the day!!

Whenever I drive I use to feel happy singing my R&B, now they are just another song!!! Maybe one day I'll be able to sing the songs I love to someone! That's a big maybe!!! Until then, it's about me!!!

It's my turn to be happy!! I think I deserve it!!!

Payday

So, with my new job I make $13/hr and get paid biweekly! My first pay i netted $737 and Gross $8XX can't remember! But that's only for 64 hrs! Man next pay will be 96 hours!!!! WHEW!!! 

Anywho, I was sitting and thinking! I can file for divorce with one check! Awesome! Still need apartment! Aarrggh!!!! Thinking studio since most only ask for one month, I think!!!! 

Slowly but surely! 

Was thinking to help him get a car, that way he can do inspections! I won't feel too bad!! But still concern with kids, yes they are grown but still my children! Their care will always be my concern!!! 

My spirit is leaving

Several things are going on:

First, it's has come to me, probably not the first time, that all he wants to do is f@@k and drink! Although he has said that on several occasions! Don't know why it's hitting me now! 

Also, we talk about how we don't belong together and it's like putting a bullet in our heads just to stay and tolerate each other! But he doesn't want to let me go, understandable! But here's the kicker, he said, on more than one occasion how he believe I was destined to be like my family! Sleeping with anyone, have babies by anyone, be nobody, on welfare and happy!! My heart sunk!!!! I've been in a zombie state all day!! Nothing matters anymore!!! Just hear those words echoing in my head!!! 

He also said he was over his head with me when it comes to love making because he knows nothing about that!!! And I'm over my head when it comes to dealing with him!! Says I want things simple and easy, yes, yes I do! 

Trying to figure out how to pick myself up! All I have now is to allow Jehovah to get me thru this! No one should have to live with such negative talk!!! It's sucks the life out of a person! I'm trying not to be self destructive! Trying to hold on to the little bit of care I have about life and the people around me! Once the ball starts rolling with paychecks of the new job I should be okay!! I have to remember everything in due time!!! Patience and endurance 

Dating

This is something that's been on my mind lately!!! Mmmm giving it a lot of thought!!!
I need a companion with compassion!
Need someone I have something in common with!!!